


Dead Man Walking

by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames)



Category: SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Cooking, David - Freeform, December - Freeform, Dildo play, Dirty Talk, Endless fluff, Fiction, Frottage, Graphic description of Anal Sexual intercourse, Graphic descriptions of Male/Male sexual encounters, Iman - Freeform, Industrial sized bottles of lube, Kissing, Loads of Food references, M/M, Mention of Ulrikke, Mention of the gorgeous Sacha, Mentions of Marlon, Not real, Oral Sex, Rimming, Will add tags as I publish, angry wallslamming sex, endless angst, graphic descriptions of nudity, scenes of male male sexual tension, semen - Freeform, talk of Anal play, valentines day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:35:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 34,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8922724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaSoames/pseuds/MermaidsandMermen
Summary: Acting is what it is. You loose yourself into a role. You become a different person. You live. You breathe. You love.Then you wrap it. It's done. Finished. Then how the fuck are you supposed to find your way back to being you? How do you learn to un-love someone? This is the story of what happened after. How I kind of died inside. And how maybe I found my way home. This is Tarjei and Henrik's story.tweet me @sophiasoames. Be kind. Be nice. Always x





	1. Exit Wounds

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Dead Man Walking](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9038090) by [TGSantiaga](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGSantiaga/pseuds/TGSantiaga)



> This is a work of fiction. A work of fan fiction. It is what it is. This is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the actors and humans who carry the above names, I have nothing but admiration for Henrik Holm and Tarjei Sandvik Moe who have so expertly portrayed Isak and Evens story on SKAM, who have so beautifully drawn us in to the 10 weeks of life when Isak went from boy to man, the harrowing highs and lows of Even trying to do the right thing. This is a fantasy, A work of fiction. Its all made up. If anything see it as a homage to H and T who made us all believe it was real. 
> 
> From Chapter 7 onwards this fic will contain smut. Graphic Scenes of a sexual nature. If this is not your cup of tea then please pull out now.  
> I can not stress enough that if this is something you do NOT want to read, then do not read the rest of this story.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. The names have been chosen so you can identify with what I imagine the characters look like and create a starting scene that you as a reader is familiar with. That is where reality ends and fiction begins. This is in no means meant to be disrespectful to the actors and real persons that carry these names. This is Fan fiction. Fantasy. Not real. End of.
> 
> Titles from The Script.  
> Read this story in Polish here: https://www.wattpad.com/story/102577656?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=kardamonne&wp_originator=DiMxUKbS5quiyuiX95Gc%2F6gVrYZ97fsnWaionDVe1RqhKIi8x3VazSvTi3nZVJ0buF3l%2FBo2dIcTmdd1HB4Jae96%2FBO1HSt%2B8xd9V7GloREC3%2BjNIDBSzYIWv70NRJyY&_branch_match_id=377495212329270170
> 
> Translation into Chinese available here : http://twentyoneuandme.lofter.com/post/1e9ba933_de1e831  
> (I love the super cute layout! Thank you to the Chinese translation team for your hard work on this! Love it!)  
> Translation into Italian by Acchivghine is available on Wattpad  
> https://www.wattpad.com/374593161-dead-man-walking-ita-1-exit-wounds

T

I’m trying to be a good actor. I tried to be a good actor. I did everything right. I researched. I read. I threw myself into being a different person, I became Isak 24/7 instead of being me. It paid off, I know it. I was good. I was damn good. 

So was H. He is my fellow actor in the series we just wrapped. He is also my best friend in the whole fucking world. Well he is. It may seem strange as we only just met a few months ago, but he means the world to me. He shouldn’t, we’re only work colleagues. We only did a job together. As actors. We had a job to do and we did it. We were supposed to fall in love with each other on camera, and make sure the viewer was 100 percent sure it was real. That’s the whole point of the show, isn’t it? To trick the viewer into thinking that what they are watching is the real deal? Well H and I took it damn serious. So did my brain. So that you see is my fucked-up problem. We have finished filming. Job done. Time to move on. So now I must learn to be me again. Plain old me that goes to school and hangs out with mates and gets a little bit to drunk sometimes and does ridiculous childish things. The thing is I have kind of figured myself out a bit over the last couple of weeks. It’s pretty fucked up. How the fuck do you fall out of love with someone? 

The first time I met H we were just having this first meeting as a cast. There were a few new faces but mostly it was the same gang as always, just hanging out and chilling. I knew what the storyline would be, I had been part of shaping it for fucks sake. I knew they would cast someone to be my boyfriend. They had even asked me what I wanted him to look like. It had been pretty funny trying to imagine up what a guy I would fall in love with would look like. I told them I wanted someone chill. Someone funny. Easy going. I thought it would be easier if he was funny and made us laugh. Well fuck me. H walked in and I kind of must have fallen in love there and then. He just stood in the door opening looking a little terrified. His eyes were darting around the room trying to take us all in. He looked scared, and really unsure. I couldn’t take my eyes off him really. H is like that though. He walks into a room and people just stare at him. Because he is just a bit too tall. Too handsome. Too loud. Too funny. You know the type. The kind of person who commands the room just by sitting there and breathing all the oxygen in the room until everyone just goes gaga and drools. 

So, there he is, leaning against the doorframe looking nervous and unsure of himself, until his eyes land on me. His face just cracked into this enormous smile, and I just couldn’t help smiling right back. He obviously knew who I was. He knew what this gig was all about. He never broke eye contact, just walked straight over to where I was standing and held out his hand to shake mine.

‘’Hi, I’m H he said. And I believe I am your boyfriend.’’  
I burst out laughing. ‘’That’s a bit of a lame way to greet your boyfriend’’ I said, all cocky and full of adrenaline. I held my arms out making a grand theatrical gesture to hug him and he threw himself straight in, planting a loud kiss on the top of my head.  
‘’Hello my beloved’’ he laughed, his voice full of giggles.  
‘’That’s better babe’’ I giggled back, letting my arm snake around his waist. 

The way he had looked at me, the way his eyes smiled when he caught me looking back at him. I had blushed. Lost my cool completely. I just stood there with my arm around him letting him laugh at my awkwardness. Then I had stood there mourning the loss of his arms when he moved around the room shaking everyone hands. 

And that’s how it had started. I never fucking stood a chance. 

So here I am walking home from school with my headphones blasting out ‘’The Script’’ again. It’s always ‘’The Script’’ when I am down. Its uncool I know, but there is something about them that makes me calm. They make me focus. It feels dangerously apt today as well. I have my beanie pulled down over my curls and my hoodie up. Headphones on. Steady walk. Don’t look up. Don’t make eye contact. That way no one will recognize me. Just walk. Home. Where I will lie on my bed and wallow in misery for another evening whilst pretending to homework. I miss him that’s all. I miss when we were pretending to be boyfriends. I miss when he used to kiss me. He used to just look at me and smile and lean in.  
‘’For research’’ he would whisper. Then he would just softy kiss me on the lips.  
‘’That was rubbish H, really rubbish’’ I would whinge. ‘’You need to practice. More feeling. Really get you head into it’’. H would look at me sternly and pretend to be crushed.  
‘’No good?’’  
‘’No feeling in it H. Try harder. Come on, we need to get this right.’’  
‘’Are you saying I’m a crap kisser T? ‘’  
‘’Nah, just a bit sloppy and you know’’ I would shrug my shoulders and try to pretend to be indifferent when my heart would be beating out of my chest and the butterflies in my stomach just wouldn’t stop fluttering.  
‘’Try again?’’ He would say and wink at me.  
‘’Kiss me like you mean it H’’ I would smile at him whilst I was dying inside. 

Then he would kiss me. Kiss me like he meant it. His hands around my face, his nose rubbing mine, his lips moving over mine, soft little movements back and forth, pillowy caresses skin to skin. He always closed his eyes. I checked. 

Then I would die a little bit inside. Fuck that. I would die a lot inside. Big fucking deaths. Which is why I am walking here like a dead man. I’m dead inside. Because it wasn’t real. It wasn’t. We were working. Practicing. That’s what acting is. You get into a role. Then when it’s done you get out. 

I fucking didn’t want to get out. I don’t. I want it to be real. I want to kiss H until I can’t breathe.

So, I keep on walking. The snow is falling slowly in the fading light, and my boots are making virgin tracks in the white powder that is gathering on the ground in front of me. I don’t want to feel like this. I have been so freaking happy over the last couple of months. I have lived off the thrills, nurtured myself on adrenaline, worked out like crazy in the gym, gone to school, worked. Slept. Breathed. Loved H. 

What am I supposed to do now? Just live my life like a dead man? I stop at the corner and breathe. Take out my phone and look at the last message. Then I turn around and head back into town.


	2. Hall of Fame

H

I make brilliant cappuccinos. I love the whole frothing business, making the foam sit high and tight over the coffee. It should smell right too. Strong and soft, homely and cosy. I’m all about the cosy at work. 

My boss is awesome, the way she talks to the customers. She compliments them, tells them she loves their hats, gloves scarf hairdo, tattoos, whatever she takes notice to. She flirts with everyone. I mean everyone. She just has that confidence. I wonder if I can pull it off. I try. I don’t always dare to flirt with the cool guys. But some of the younger shy ones I can just twirl around my fingers and watch them come undone into a blushing shivering mess. It’s fun. The girls are easy though. All it takes is a raised eyebrow, a suggestive smile, and they are all over it. Smiling, Blushing and flirting back. I never take them up on their offers though. I have my friends. My little gang of people. The dudes from drama, the classmates from school. I am happy. Content. Like a mound of frothy milk on top of a cappuccino. I just sit there comfortably at the top and admire the view. 

I mean life could get better, I could be filthy stinking rich and be able to afford a car. That would be nice. But hey at least I am working. I have got my job at the café, and my boss gives me as many shifts as I can pull. The Skam job has been awesome. I know how bloody lucky I was landing that gig. Not only was it a proper paid acting job, but I was absolutely thrilled at the input we had as actors. The bosses listened to us, and we got to shape our characters in a way that we felt would be true. I have learned so much, and the thrill of it has really kicked me into gear. I have started writing again, working on the ideas I had years ago, and trying to form them into a proper script. They are not brilliant but even as a kid I had a good imagination, and I think if I work on it there might be something there.

We are both getting great offers, T and I. T is the guy I was acting against in Skam. He is a brilliant actor. Really really good. They had to re shoot a few scenes when we first started filming, because T would just really unnerve me. He would look at me like he wanted to rip my clothes off. I know he was just acting but bloody hell he is good. I got used to it. He still looks like me like that when he wants to throw me off my groove. It only takes one look and I lose it. He is fucking awesome.  
Anyway, Offers. We are being offered photo shoots. Interviews with all the magazines. Lots of interest from abroad. Scripts and roles that I would only have been able to dream of. I must choose wisely. And just because someone sends you a script to consider it doesn’t mean you get the gig. I get that. It’s just thrilling that other people think we were good. That we were good enough that others want to work with us. 

It wouldn’t be the same though without T. I think of that a lot. Would I be able to do what T and I did when we first started working together with anyone else? Would it not be weird?

The first day we met is still a blur in my head, I was just so pumped on adrenaline to meet all these cool people. The second day we did lots of read throughs of the first episodes, and T and I sat down with the script team and talked through what we thought. I remember T having all these amazing ideas what Isak could do, and say. I was only sure of one thing. I really didn’t want my character Even to ‘’come out’’ in any way. He was way to cool for that. Somehow that felt like the thing I could gift to him, for him to carry a little bit of me in him. I wanted him to be fearless in his sexuality. I wanted him to be all those things that I want myself to be. To be a fearless bastard.  
I’m not gay. I’m not totally straight either. I know that. I like to think I am fluid. I like that word. Like it doesn’t matter what I am. I want to be me. I want to be able to do it all. I have had sex with girls, and it can be absolutely awesome. It can also be totally weird and crap. What does it matter? I have messed around with men too. Again, good and bad. I just haven’t met the right person yet. The one that takes it all away and makes everything right. Well maybe I have. But he’s not real. He was just a character played by T, and he doesn’t exist. I know that, I am not stupid. 

T is still here though, thank god. I was scared that he would just say thank you and good bye to me, kind of ‘’Job’s done dude thank you for everything.’’. But we haven’t stopped talking. We swapped numbers the first day on set, and we never really stopped talking since. I text him every day. Just little things. He texts back. He sends me stupid photos. He is the king of the selfie. I save them all. They are just really funny. I send them back as reaction pics when he writes something silly. I add captions to them too. I know it makes him laugh. Like he makes me laugh. 

The thing is T is cute. He is cool. He is the king of pranks.  
He also gives awesome cuddles. He smells like soap and warmth and hugs and Christmas.  
He lets me kiss him. I know he teases. I know he takes the piss. I know he craves them. I can feel it. 

We are busy this afternoon, a constant rush of shoppers coming in to starve off the cold, taking a quick break from the snowdrifts outside. Lots of fans coming in after school too. I have signed backpacks, notebooks and taken selfies. I don’t mind. It’s fun. It messes with the customers though, everything takes double the time and I burn the milk in the frother. We still get there. Luckily my boss is really cool with it. It brings in paying customers. If I am here we are super busy. If I’m not here she says the lines are full of fans asking about me. It’s pretty cool.  
I catch him as he sneaks in at the back of the line. He can see I am busy so he keeps his head down and walks over to the corner and sits down by the window where he can sit and watch me work. He has his laptop out already, and catches my eye over the screen. I can’t stop grinning. I haven’t seen him for over a week, and that’s too long in my head. I fish out my phone and shoot of a text.  
‘’Missed you dude! Latte and gingerbread syrup?’’  
I finish off with a green heart. It’s a thing we started. I send him green hearts. He sends me blue ones. Red ones are for true love he said. It made me laugh at the time. I keep thinking I should send him a red one as a joke. That would rattle him. But I can’t quite bring myself to do it. It would be a shit joke. 

‘’Oh Yes!’’ He texts back. ‘’No rush though I can see you are busy. ‘’  
I pour a few more drinks and shoot another text back.  
‘’U busy tonight or can we hang? Haven’t seen you all week.’’  
I sound like a clingy needy girlfriend. No I actually sound like my mum when she has a go at my Dad for working too much.  
‘’All yours’’. Comes straight back. Followed by  
‘’Beloved’’. 

I let out a throaty laugh and our eyes meet across the coffee shop. He is laughing too. His shoulders are jumping in that jacket that is still too big for him.  
I pour his Latte in between orders and do a quick dash across the room to hand it to him. He gives my arm a quick squeeze across the table. He is still giggling. He has sounded a bit off the last couple of days. It’s good to see him laugh. We do that to each other. We are good for each other. 

Two girls stop me as I make my way back behind the counter. I am still kind of lost in thought and almost trip over my own feet trying to line up for a selfie. One of them is almost in tears which is very sweet, and I make a point of giving her a kiss on the head when she takes the picture. Her face is great, full of surprise and shock and I am laughing. Her friend snuggles into me with her camera ready, and as she reaches out her arm to take the photo, T sneaks in behind me. The photo comes out great. The girl is smiling into the camera, and I am smiling at T. T who looks adorably cute. The girls squeal. T just laughs. I want to laugh too, but it kind of catches in my throat. So I go back behind the counter and take another order. 

The first time T and I hung out we went to the cinema. We saw some crap action film and went for a beer. We gave eachother a hug at the bus stop and that was it.  
We were supposed to hang out in the name of acting and get close so things wouldn’t get weird when we had to shoot the heavy scenes. The ones where we kiss and make out and have sex. Obviously we wouldn’t have real sex. But we would be pretty naked and exposed. 

The next time I went over and hung out at T’s house. We watched a film. We talked. We just chilled. Then we fell asleep. I remember thinking I should get up and go home. I remember him getting up and putting a blanket on top of me. I don’t remember much else. Just that I woke up the next morning to find myself curled up around him with my face tightly pressed up against his neck. I remember thinking it should have been super awkward. But instead T just turned around, still wrapped in my embrace and pressed a kiss to my forehead and asked me if I wanted coffee. That’s just how he rolled. So we took it from there. 

I became the king of cuddles. He became the master of the sneaky kiss. I would pretend we needed all this kissing practice. T would tell me I was crap at kissing. So I would kiss him again. And again. 

That’s how things went. T would turn up here after school to watch me work, doing his homework whilst I brought him coffee, making him funny little frothy monsters on top. I would make weird coffee creations and he would just laugh at me and mouth ‘’Tastes like poo’’ across the room. Then he would take me home for dinner at his parents. Or we would go home to my Mum and Dad, and hang out with my brother over dinner. 

Then we would cuddle up on our beds, arms slung casually around each others bodies. Placing meaningless kisses on our faces. All in the name of work. Kisses that would turn into feverish sessions where we would breathe into each others mouths, whispering little words that we shouldn’t need to hear. It shouldn’t have been real. It shouldn’t have really mattered. It did though. I had promised myself I wouldn’t make it weird. I made him promise that it would never be weird. It was just what we did. It was our job.  
Then why do I feel like such an arsehole?


	3. Man on a wire

T  
It has stopped snowing when we walk back home. Its bloody cold though, the snow is cracking under our feet and every breath creates a misty cloud in front of us.  
‘’Did you hear anything else from the Skam people?’’ H asks.  
‘’Nah I think we will all hear at the same time. They did last time.’’  
We are both quite worried about the next season. The Skam people don’t let on what they are planning until the last minute, and we don’t know if Isak and Even will even be part of it. It’s a scary thought.  
‘’I still think they have moved us to the States for a gap year or something.’’  
I laugh but its hollow.  
‘’Do you think we could do it again? I mean how would they spin our story? ‘’  
H shrugs his shoulders.  
‘’If they make it about Even then they will have to move me to your flat or get my family to move, otherwise Marlon will never speak to us again.’’  
We both laugh. We had told Marlon we had shot a sex scene in his bed when we shot the sequences at his apartment. His face had been the funniest thing I had ever seen. He still claims he has trouble sleeping in it, and that it smells of sex. He is joking of course but I kind of see H’s point.  
‘’Can you imagine shagging on the top of that High sleeper Marlon has?’’  
H laughs. ‘’Fuck me, it would probably self-destruct. No wonder Marlon doesn’t bring hook ups home. Bet you it squeaks too.’’ He makes these ridiculous squeaking noises, and we both laugh.  
It’s still comforting to be with H again, just the two of us. We walk in silence but it doesn’t matter. It’s not awkward. If I was a little braver I would reach out and hold his hand, but I kind of don’t know where our limits are anymore.  
‘’Do you think we will remain friends if we don’t get the next Skam gig? I mean …’’ I stutter a bit. It’s a ridiculous question. But I’m not sure that I dare ask the question that I really want to ask.  
He shoots me one of his questioning look. The ones he does that say ‘’Are you kidding me?’’  
‘’What do you mean? We are friends, aren’t we?’’  
Yes, Arsehole I think. You heard me. He is playing ‘’Avoid the obvious question’’. I know that game. I play it daily with my parents.  
I don’t reply. I just look at him and wait.  
‘’I hope that we will still be friends. Unless you are pissed off with me wanting to hang out with you all the time.’’ He is looking down at his feet.  
‘’H’’ my voice is pleading. ‘’I would never not want to hang out with you, you know that’’  
‘’It’s just a little, you know.’’ He pulls his hat down over his ears, and rubs his nose.  
‘’Weird?’’ I say. My voice is a little bit squeaky.  
‘’We promised it wouldn’t be weird. You promised me. I promised you. So, let’ not make it weird’’  
‘’I won’t.’’ I let my hand run down the length of his sleeve. ‘’It’s only weird if we let it be, so let’s just chill and hang out OK?’’  
My fingers reach his hand, and I let my skin just briefly touch his. Hoping he will grab my hand. He doesn’t though. He just flings his arm around me and plants a kiss on my cheek. Then we walk in silence again.  
****  
My mum has made meatballs, my absolute favorite. H does exactly what I have always done. You mash your meatballs with the potatoes until you have made a mess of it all, then add lingonberry jam and pour gravy on top. It all goes a disgusting grey color, but it tastes like summer and dreams and being a kid again. We both laugh as my dad calls us children, and moans about our appalling lack of table manners. My dad and H have this thing going on. They kind of bonded from day one, and tease each other mercilessly. My dad does the bad joke thing, asking H if its windy up there, and if he can see the ski jump at Holmenkollen on a clear day. H just takes it in his stride and gives my dad the old man jokes straight back. He offers his arm to help him get up, saying we should be polite to the elderly. My dad is like 39. He’s actually pretty young looking for his age. He dresses quite cool too, even though it’s embarrassing when he borrows my clothes and tries to look hip.  
Dad kind of likes the company. I’m not like H. I don’t spend enough time hanging with my parents, not like he does. In his house, they have these epic conversations discussing politics and food and shit, stuff that makes me feel like I am a little stupid at times. Dad and I kind of grunt at each other and do the occasional attempt at hanging out in front of the TV. Mum likes him too, she is like some overgrown fan girl, just sitting there staring at H with her mouth curled into a little smile. I occasionally take a tissue and pretend to wipe drool from her mouth, which makes her giggle and blush. She so fancies H. Well I don’t blame her. So do I.  
He hasn’t looked at me all evening though. He sits next to me and we are like talking and acknowledging each other, but he hasn’t really looked at me. I wonder what he is thinking. His foot is nudging mine though, and it’s not by accident. My brain is being ridiculous again though, because I have kind of drifted off in my head. I’m not following the conversation, so I am thinking of sex again. Sex with H. Blowjobs. Wondering what his cock would taste like. I have got a semi hard on under the table. So I can’t really stand up. I am dreading the look from Mum, the one saying ‘’Go on Tarjei clear the table and get the coffee.’’ I’m obvious. I’m a little embarrassed. I am very much turned on. So of course, she does it.  
‘’Tarjei, get the coffee darling’’  
And being the idiot I am I freeze, looking at her like a deer caught in the headlights whilst my face goes the color of beetroot. I can feel it. My face is literally on fire.  
‘’Tarjei? The coffee?’’ Mum looks a bit confused. H is looking at me with that amused confused look that he does so well. Dad is still speaking to H, completely oblivious.  
‘’Coffee?’’ I blurt out. I push my chair back and grab the jar of Lingonberry jam and hold it in front of me as I basically jog over to the kitchen counter. I can hear H catching his breath, stifling a laugh. I know he knows exactly what is going on. Fuck me. Now it’s going to get awkward.  
He gets up and brings our plates over to where I am standing, my hands shaking as I try to get the jar of coffee grounds open.  
‘’Do you need a hand?’’ H asks, his voice full of laughter. I so get what he is saying. He is the king of dirty innuendo after all.  
‘’No I’ve got it in hand’’ I snarl back. ‘’Coffee coming up’’  
‘’Or should we bring it down? Or do you want to have it …up…Stairs??’’ His voice is full of tease. Full of laughter.  
‘’Arsehole’’ I grunt, scooping coffee grounds into the coffee maker with the elegance of an infant. There are literally coffee grounds everywhere.  
‘’Yours or mine?’’ he whispers.  
I whack him hard on the arm and he laughs again.  
‘’Can you pass me the milk? The one at the …Top?’’ I try to look innocent and cool.  
‘’not the one at the ….Bottom?’’ He pulls off completely innocent with ease.  
‘’Such a versatile dairy product, don’t you agree?’’ I deadpan.  
‘’Smooth and tasty cold, but equally nice when it’s hot. And frothy. Trust me, I know my …fluids’’  
I just look at him, desperately trying not to laugh too loud.  
‘’And how do you like your ….fluids sir? Straight up? ‘’ I am going for pure filth here but my face is going beetroot again. Because he is staring at me like he wants to eat me. Trust me. I know the look. I practiced it for hours, having watched far too much porn, and tried make it look real.  
We just stand there, eyefucking each other. Well what do I know about eyefucking, but if my parents weren’t sitting at the table less than 2 metres away then I would probably fling myself at him and kiss him. I don’t know if he is teasing or being serious, but my cock is bouncing in my jeans again and I am pushing up against the kitchen counter, hoping nobody will notice. Well H does. Of course he does. He just leans over and sorts out the coffee, leaving me standing there pressing my groin to the cupboard door, trying to think of the Teletubbies and Peppa Pig and whatever I can think of that is not full of sexual innuendo and promises. I am failing miserably as H is moving around me, getting cups out of the cupboards, pouring milk and asking my dad if he wants a shot of whiskey in his cup before he pours the coffee. He is so at home with us, and I kind of step out of myself again, just letting my head take hold of the scene. If he was my boyfriend. Fuck it if he was mine, if we were official. It would be just like this, lovely and relaxed. Minus the hard on probably.  
He is so not helping though, he is just a little too close. A little too intimate. Letting his breath hit my neck as he leans across to grab the sugar. Looking at me a little too long. Trying to catch my eye when I swallow to loudly.  
‘’Would you mind if T and I have our coffee in his room?’’ he casually asks my parents. ‘’There is this thing we were going to watch. We can do the washing up later, just leave it’’ he offers.  
My mum dismisses us with a laugh, saying she has it under control. Tells us to go and watch whatever we were going to watch.  
H does his thing, He kisses my Mum’s cheek and high-fives my Dad. I do the teenage brat thing and sneak past, far too fast, dumping my parent’s coffees on the table, spilling some on the tablecloth.  
I’m an idiot though, what am I thinking? I am standing in the middle of my room, with a raging hard on. And my best friend is just closing the door behind me carrying two cups of coffee. Fuck me. Oh for fucks sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will go on hiatus for a week, but will return with a vengeance after Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone!!


	4. Flares

H  
I really don’t want to know what is going on in T’s head. He is looking confused and embarrassed as hell. T and I don’t do awkward. I have decided that. So, I push him over towards the bed and grab my laptop from my bag that is slung on the floor. He is crawling under the covers and pretending to look at something on his phone.

‘’Do I want to know what’s going on inside your head right now?'' I ask whilst the laptop is firing up.  
‘’No. Probably not. Sorry’’ He is still doing something on his phone, avoiding my gaze.  
‘’You know you can tell me things. If you need to. And if you don’t want to tell me stuff then that’s ok too. As long as you are ok.’’

I’m rambling. I just don’t quite know how to tell T all the shit that I feel like I need to tell him. It’s like I have this brain diahorrea of thoughts I need to tell him, just because I know that he gets me. I know things I find funny he will laugh at. I know things I find important he will think about and discuss with me. I know at some point I will need to sit down and spill all this shit about feelings on him. He will either run a mile and never speak to me again, or hopefully he will give me a hug and tell me I will get over it. I am hoping he will do something else but what do I know. Somehow T is not easy to read. We have spent so much time pretending around each other that, I feel like we hardly know what is real anymore. 

‘’I know’’ he puts the phone on the bedside table and I pass him his coffee. ‘’Thanks for rescuing me.’’  
‘’You are cute when you are flustered.’’ I grin at him, and T whacks me on the arm again, smiling.

I lie down next to him and load up the next episode of ‘’Breaking Bad’’. We are on season 4 now. I can’t believe I had never seen it before T made me watch it with him. He said it's punishable by death not to have seen it. I agree now. It’s partly because I love us like this, all snuggled up in bed, T’s head leaning against my shoulder as I press play and the intro starts. I take a sip of my coffee and settle in. T shuffles down a bit and pulls the covers up so I can get my legs underneath. Then we watch. And everything is chill.

It’s only later when I am lying wide awake letting my brain whirl with thoughts that I wonder what on earth T was thinking about. T has fallen asleep on his side, his chin resting on my shoulder. He has a cold coming on, he is snuffling slightly in his sleep, and looking very young in the soft light from the laptop screen. 

We never ever got aroused or carried away when we were filming. You don’t really. It’s not that kind of environment, especially when you have a boom mic hanging over your head, and a camera hanging off a very dodgy looking contraption balancing across your field of vision. Then of course there is the handheld camera person that is kneeling next to you with her elbow in your ribs trying to get the right angle. You are so focused on getting the right shot, following instructions and at the same time looking like you are madly in love and horny as hell. It was intense, but all the practicing we did paid off. It wasn’t like it was difficult kissing T on camera. We laughed a lot in between takes, getting told off for moving, having the wardrobe person touch our clothes so it looked like we hadn’t moved in between takes. There were always hands on us, people talking to us. It was so much fun working with T. Fun. Intimate. Lovely. I am so fucking grateful we are still here, still close. I reach out and stroke a curl away from his face. He is still my baby. I wish I had the guts to call him that. 

I grab his phone and set his alarm. He has forgotten as usual. The laptop slides off the bed with a crash. There is so much junk on the floor though that it is bound to have landed in some clothes and crap. It will have survived. I lean over and let my lips ghost over T’s forehead, just touching lightly enough that I can feel his skin against my lips. He doesn’t move, just snuffles and breathes. 

I wonder what made him horny. I wonder where his thoughts were. It’s not my place to ask. Not my place to know. I just wish I knew where he is in his head. I wish he could sort out mine. I wish a lot of things, and I mostly wish I was brave enough to tell him. 

We have done things before, at night when we were kissing. When we were practicing. We would kiss, deep and hard, slightly desperately clinging to each other. I couldn’t help it. I would kiss a line along his jaw, feeling his soft stubble against my lips. So, I would suck little marks into his skin, just along his neck. The sounds he would make, the little moans, desperate and almost embarrassed, as he would push up against me. His fingers tangled in my hair, pulling me in to his kisses. And I would try, god I would try, not to grind my hips against him. I would fail of course, and we would both be panting into each other’s mouths, hands under our t-shirts, hands on our backs, skin against skin. We never took our clothes off. We never came. I would tell him lots of things, whilst my head was lost in lust. What I wanted to do to him. What I wanted him to do to me. He would whisper things in my ear that I have etched on my brain. 

I curl up against him letting my nose rest against his forehead. When I sleep, it’s restless and ragged.

*** T ***

H must have set my alarm. Thank God. I am up and showered and have a piece of bread balancing between my teeth well before I need to leave. H is fast asleep, with the duvet over his head. He is not working today so I will just let him be. He knows where the spare key is hidden in the garden. He knows how to set the house alarm. There is a lot of things he knows. He knows a lot about me. It’s strange thinking about it. My best friends from school have known me all my life. Yet there are so many things I have never told them. I have known H for weeks, and I have told him shit I didn’t even know that I had in me. 

I am dropping crumbs all over the carpet as I pack my bag, and try to find some clean socks on the floor. I am going to have to clean in here at some point, but It seems if I am here H is with me, and we just hang out, or I am at H’s place and my room just gets messier and messier. I should probably change the sheets too, but they smell of H, and I kind of like that. Thank God my parents don’t go in here, they never do.

Dad is up and standing in the kitchen making coffee whilst reading the news on his iPad. I make another piece of bread with butter and cheese, handing it to Dad in exchange for a mug of coffee.  
‘’H still here?’’ Dad asks.  
‘’Asleep’’ I’m the king of the one word sentence with my Dad.  
‘’We like H, Mum and I. He is a good kid.’’  
Fucking Shit. Dad is doing one of his talks.  
‘’Yeah’’ I reply. Stuffing a slice of cheese into my mouth. My shoulders are stiff. I am praying that’s it for Dad’s morning ramblings.  
‘’He loves you, you know. That’s good.’’  
Oh shit. I am praying for intervention here. An Earthquake would be welcome. Mysterious sink hole. Yep that would work. Can Coffeemakers just explode when you need them too? Not much, just a little?  
‘’It’s not like that’’ I offer, completely failing at the one word sentence game.  
‘’I’m not stupid Tarjei. I have eyes. I have ears that work really well.’’  
I start slicing cheese like my life depends on it. I am making a cheese ski slope. And as you should know this is a cardinal sin in Norway. Respect the cheese.  
‘’The cheese Tarjei’’ Dad warns.  
I stop slicing and just stand there. I am studying the cling film on the kitchen counter. I am staring at the pile of badly sliced cheese in front of me.  
‘’Whatever it is Son, we love you. And we love H. So just deal with it.‘’  
There is nothing to say to that. I just swallow and reach out and grab a piece of cheese, stuffing it awkwardly in my mouth.  
‘’What is it you kids say? It’s Chill?’’  
I manage an awkward laugh. ‘’Yes Dad, It’s chill.’’  
He reaches out and ruffles my hair. Picks up his coffee and walks out of the room.


	5. Before the Worst

T  
School is stupidly busy. I have exams. I have rehearsals. Meetings. Loads of things coming up. I need to go to the gym at some point. Afternoons spent drinking Latte and having endless pastries is not good for my six pack.

H texts me a photo of him and my Dad. They are sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee each, trying to look serious. My dad has laughter lines around his eyes. So has H. They are obviously sharing a joke that I don’t quite get. I send him a blue heart. Then I regret it. Then I don’t. Then I feel guilty for regretting it. He sends me a green heart back.  
I decide that I shouldn’t be so dependent on H. I am my own person. That I can probably function really well without texting H every two minutes. I decide not to check my phone again until after lunch. That lasts all of 15 minutes until H sends me a photo of my room cleaned up. He hasn’t changed the sheets. I sigh a small sigh of relief. I text him 3 blue hearts. I’m officially a sap. 

I go and work out after school, running until I can’t breathe and lifting weights until my arms feel like they are going to fall off. I decide I need to go home and study this evening. Get my homework back under control. I’m doing good, as I have spent so much time hanging around in H’s café. But a bit of extra work would be good. I need to let H have some space. Not to be clingy and overwhelming. I am a grown up. I can do this. 

H is leaning against my bike when I come out of the gym. He is all wrapped up, playing some game on his phone. That’s all it takes for me to lose all that built up cool. I practically throw myself at him, and he hugs me back like he hasn’t seen me for weeks. 

‘’Waffles for dinner at home’’ he says. ‘’I told them we will be there’’.  
I feel all warm and gooey inside at the ‘’we’’ bit. I also love waffles. H knows that.  
I unlock my bike and H gets his. He has bags of shopping loaded on the back.  
‘’Christmas shopping all done? What did you get me?’’ I pretend to try to peek in one of the bags.  
‘’Don’t be nosy. Santa doesn’t like nosy people’’ He swats my hand away. ‘’Anyway, I haven’t bought yours yet.’’  
‘’It’s like a week until Christmas H, you better hurry up. ‘’  
‘’Yeah Yeah Yeah. Anyway. I met with my agent today, and he thinks I have a really good chance of getting in to that Drama school in LA. If it all works out I could start there in August. If I get in that is.’’  
‘’LA? Like you would live there?’’  
‘’Yeah, like that would be the whole point of doing Drama school there. It’s a good school, lots of the big famous actors have gone there.’’  
H looks all excited and happy. I feel like shit.  
‘’What about me?’’ I blurt out. Now I feel like a 4-year-old.  
‘’I would miss you. I would miss all my family. A lot. But I would come home, and you could come and visit, and we would still talk and text……’’  
I walk in silence. The tyres on our bikes are squeaking in the fresh layer of snow. We could ride, but it’s nice to walk so we can talk. He is glancing over at me, and I almost hear him think. Trying to figure out the right thing to say.  
‘’There are other things I could do too. I haven’t decided T. I need to think about it all. You have things to consider too. Didn’t you have that audition in LA they wanted you to do?’’  
‘’Yeah, but I don’t think I am ready for all that. I need to finish school too.’’  
‘’We’ll work it out. Don’t worry about it yet.’’ H reaches out and touches my arm. I feel a little like I want to cry. Just the thought of him even thinking of going to the other side of the world feels raw. Hurtful. 

We both get on our bikes. It’s starting to snow again. The thing I like the most about when it snows is the deafening silence it creates. Every sound gets muffled. Every movement slows. It’s beautifully serene. Big showy flakes landing on my gloves. Little mounds of snow forming on H’s beanie as we ride. He keeps reaching up and rubbing his nose. I sneeze. We both laugh. 

H’s brother is all over us when we walk through the door. Apparently, we are in charge of the Waffles. H’s mum is working and H’s Dad is pacing the room clutching a handful of documents whilst talking animatedly on the phone. Something about contracts and deadlines as usual. He waves and smiles as I put my boots away and we hang up our wet clothes in the drying cabinet in the bathroom. 

It’s all eggs and flour and milk after that. And the epic hunt for the elusive baking powder that even I know does exist in the H family kitchen. It’s just not where it is supposed to be. We do find it in the fridge of all places. Lots of high fives all round. Waffles just wouldn’t be waffles if they weren’t fluffy and risen. Pancakes are all good, but there is something about waffles that just makes me swoon. You need them hot straight off the griddle, lightly dusted with sugar, and then smothered with strawberry jam. Or bananas. And whipped cream. H is all about the whipped cream. He is whipping like a mad man using a whisk as we can’t find the attachments for the electric whisk. His brother oversees the timer on the waffle maker, shouting ‘’GREEN’’ like a mad man every time they are done, and I am, of course, in charge of the batter and the removal of the finished masterpieces. Oh yes. I am also in charge of the overspill. The best bit of the waffle making process. The small drops of batter that escape the griddle and just cook on the outside. The most delicious mini waffle pieces ever. H and his brother make disgusting faces at me every time I find one and pop it in my mouth.  
‘’Euugh’’ they moan and H pretends to throw up in the sink.  
‘’Save me some overspill!!’’ H’s Dad calls from the living room. ‘’The best bits!!’’  
‘’T’s eating them all!!!’’ H’s brother shouts.  
‘’Hell no!! ‘’ H’s Dad comes running into the kitchen in pretend rage, making us all laugh. 

Dinner is all like that. There is not a crumb left. I have total sugar rush too, since H decided we needed Chocolate ice-cream and toffee sauce on our waffles as well. We have basically had dessert for dinner. I feel a little sick as we all help to clean up the kitchen.  
‘’I need to lie down’’ H declares and throws the tea towel in the sink with a growl.  
I finish wiping the kitchen table, feeling very domesticated. I look at H, for a minute wondering if he wants me to stay.  
He just nods towards his room, and I turn out the lights behind me. 

There was nothing unusual about that night. We watched a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad. I texted my Mum to say I was staying at H’s, and I fell asleep leaning against his shoulder. Probably drooling and smelling of chocolate ice cream. There was quite a lot of it on my t-shirt from a bit of a food fight I got into with his brother. 

It’s just that the next day I get up and go to school. H is still asleep. I make myself some toast and head off. And I don’t hear from H all day. I don’t over think it too much. I know he is working, and he has lots to think about. He has another audition this week too, so he is probably busy. I make up a lot of excuses for him in my head. Somehow, I don’t text him either. We could probably do with some space. I tell myself we are quite intense, H and I. That I can probably count the nights over the last months, that we haven’t slept in the same bed, on one hand. That we are just friends, and friends sometime need space. It’s just that I don’t need space. I kind of like spending all my time with H.

I tell myself to use my time wisely. If H is busy I should hang out with my other friends. I send off a few texts and make plans to go to the gym with David later, and to see a few of the guys at some Christmas party on Friday.

I have meetings after school anyway and when I finally get home I am exhausted. And weary. And nervous. And pretty pissed off. I should probably call him and see if he is OK. But I don’t. Because I am an asshole. And because I am a coward. I just don’t want to hear him say the words. I don’t want to hear him reject me. I would rather not know. So, I send off a blue heart and set the alarm. Then I curl up and bury my nose in the pillow he slept on.


	6. Breakeven

H  
I wake up with a raging hangover. It’s bloody Christmas Eve as well. It was a good night out, and It was great to spend time with my mates as well. I kind of felt like I was 16 again, we were all up to mischief and pulling pranks on each other. I think we were mooning as well. Pulling crap at some nightclub getting into arguments with the bouncers. I think I remember walking half way to T’s house before remembering that I am supposed to figure out if I can live without him. That was my great master plan for this week. I was going to test myself and see if I could wean myself of him. If I could be OK with not spending every night sleeping next to him.

I had sat down at some bus shelter and had a cigarette, thinking of what the fuck I was doing. All I wanted to do was go and curl up in T’s bed. It’s a good bed, thick mattress, comfy pillows. Not that IKEA crap. Proper pillows. And he has all these fleecy blankets that are really warm. I did stop myself though. Firstly, because I was quite pissed. As in drunk as a skunk. I am not good when I’m drunk. I say a lot of shit and I get all handsy and emotional. It was probably a good thing that I turned around and walked back home. I also remembered that I had brought my bike, and left it at my mate’s house across town. Which means I will have to go out there and get it at some point. 

My brother comes bouncing into my room and throws himself on the bed squealing about Christmas and presents and porridge and shit and I just growl and wish that he would just give me another hour. In the end I bribe him with the promise that he can open one of my presents if he brings me coffee, medicine and water. In that order. Like right now. 

I love my brother. I love my mum too. Because she comes in with just that. Coffee, headache pills, not the weak ass ones, but the strong shit that will have me back to normal within an hour. She also closes the door and makes herself comfortable next to me on the bed, stealing a sip of the coffee. 

‘’Good night last night?’’ she says, with a sneaky smile. She knows I feel like shit. She is just like me when she is on the Gin and Tonics. Handsy and emotional, and hungover like hell in the morning.  
‘’G and T’s mum’’  
‘’Oh shit’’ she laughs. ‘’We never learn do we.’’  
I just growl.  
‘’Where is T?’’ My mum doesn’t mince her words. She is all about the straight up.  
‘’At Home I suppose?’’ My voice feels weak and I feel like a child again.  
She reaches out and caresses my face. ‘’You need to go and see him today and so you can stop being so grumpy H. ‘’  
‘’I’m not grumpy.’’ I am. And I am a crap liar.  
‘’You haven’t seen him for a few days. I don’t know what is going on but you need to go and see him and sort it out. It’s Christmas eve H. Don’t worry about us. Go and see him.’’  
‘’He has stuff on with his family. I don’t want to disturb that.’’  
‘’Excuses H. Now drink your coffee and come and snuggle on the sofa with us for a while. There’s this old Christmas movie on, and morning presents to open and all these chemically loaded E number foam Santa sweets to eat. I also made toffees. And there is porridge…’’  
I pretend to be sick at the side of the bed and she laughs.  
‘’Come on my precious firstborn son. Light of my life. The most beautiful boy in the whole wide world.’’ I let myself get pulled in to a hug. My mum is ace. She kisses the top of my head and hands me the coffee.  
‘’Drink. Take your pills. Then get on the sofa. That’s an order.’’  
I salute her and swallow down the pills. 

I actually feel OK after a while. T sent me a blue heart last night. I sent him a load of green ones back. I have to actually count them. 16. Good work H. Drunk H should be banned from phones. At least I didn’t write stuff. It could have been worse. He has sent me another blue one this morning. I don’t even think before sending him a green one back. Mum is right. I should go and see him. I recon I have made it 4 days and 3 nights and I should know by now that I have survived without him. But it hasn’t made me happy. It has made me feel a bit sick. Because I now have to go and explain shit to him and he will no doubt be a bit pissed off with me. 

I know I should have spoken to him. I should have texted him and told him not to worry, that I was just snowed under with stuff and needed to see my mates. He had this party last night too, I remember him telling me about it. So, it should all be good. It’s just the thing that we didn’t speak about it that makes it feel shit. Awkward. We don’t do awkward. Yet I seem to be causing all these awkward things between us. I don’t mean to, but I do. 

Suddenly there is Christmas lunch. Loads of family turning up. I remember to go and get dressed so I don’t greet my Grandma wearing boxers. She's quite cool my Grandma. She kisses my cheek and asks where that handsome boyfriend of mine is.

''T's not my boyfriend Grandma." I take her arm and lead her into the living room.  
"I've seen the two of you on TV" Grandma pats my arm reassuringly. "You are good on TV. And I like that Jonas fellow. " She nods at me knowingly.  
"It's not real Grandma. It's just acting. But I promise to bring Marlon who plays Jonas over to visit one day. He's nice in real life too. You would like him."  
I am serious, Marlon and Granny would love each other.   
"I like your Isak better. Handsome boy. I want to meet him too. There are lots of handsome men on TV these days. I was watching that Paradise Hotel on SVT the other day..." 

"Mother!!" My dad pretends to be in shock.

"I'm 73 I'm allowed to watch whatever I want. That "Skam" is good though. I am telling everyone at the day centre that my handsome Grandson is in it. I tell them to look out for the one who is naked."

I told you my Grandma is cool. I laugh with everyone else. I should have stayed wearing just boxers all day. Granny would have turned in to a funny story for her friends. 

Then there is total food coma after lunch and more sweets and mulled wine. Presents. Lots of presents. Then we do the present game, where we throw dice for the chance of stealing each other’s Secret Santa gifts. It’s goes on for ages with arguments and laughter. Grandma ends up with a pack of men’s socks which has her howling with laughter. I get pink hair rollers. I waste no time putting them in. It’s a good Christmas.  
Just as I start to feel slightly human again Dinner is served. Death by Christmas. I excuse myself before dessert saying I need a lie down. So, I sneak off with one of the parcels I found earlier. T must have hidden it under the tree last time he was here. Even the wrapping paper smells like him. I kind of didn’t want to open it in front of everyone. It just feels a bit too personal.

It’s a bloody jumper. I know exactly which one it is. It’s the one I tried on a few weeks back when we were out shopping. It’s wine red with a deep v neck that T said showed off my collarbones. He said it was damn sexy. I had brushed it off with a laugh at the time and said it was not quite me. He had disagreed. Pouted and pretend sulked. He knows damn well I would remember.

I put it on and pose in the mirror, letting the collar hang slightly off my shoulder. I try to look sultry and sexy but I just burst into embarrassed laughter. The selfie looks funny though. He will get it. I write ‘’Thank you I love it. Do I my collarbones look ok?’’  
‘’Damn Hot.’’ He replies. ‘’Merry Christmas’’  
I stand there like an idiot staring at my phone. What do I say now?  
‘’Merry Christmas T. ‘’  
He sends me a blue heart. I send him a green one. Then I throw myself on my bed and wallow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING >>>>>>  
> The next chapter will contain smut. Graphic Scenes of a sexual nature. If this is not your cup of tea then please pull out now. The very last chapter of this fic will be clean so you can come back and read the end if you want to find out the ending. Otherwise the rest of this fic will be tagged with the appropriate warnings and tags.  
> I can not stress enough that if this is NOT something you want to read, then do not read the rest of this story. 
> 
> This is a work of fiction. The names have been chosen so you can identify with what I imagine the characters look like and create a starting scene that you as a reader is familiar with. That is where reality ends and fiction begins. This is in no means meant to be disrespectful to the actors and real persons that carry these names. This is Fan fiction. Fantasy. Not real. End of.


	7. No words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING >>>>>>  
> The next chapter will contain smut. Graphic Scenes of a sexual nature. If this is not your cup of tea then please pull out now. The very last chapter of this fic will be clean so you can come back and read the end if you want to find out the ending. Otherwise the rest of this fic will be tagged with the appropriate warnings and tags.  
> I can not stress enough that if this is NOT something you want to read, then do not read the rest of this story.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. The names have been chosen so you can identify with what I imagine the characters look like and create a starting scene that you as a reader is familiar with. That is where reality ends and fiction begins. This is in no means meant to be disrespectful to the actors and real persons that carry these names. This is Fan fiction. Fantasy. Not real. End of.
> 
> This fic will now go on hiatus until the new year. Happy New Year everyone! Thank you again for all the comments kudos and support.

H  
It’s almost midnight by the time I decide that I am doing this. I am going to go and see T. I am going to confess it all and own up to my fucked-up brain and my fucked-up vomit of feelings. I am pretty sober. I am fucking knackered but I don’t really want to spend another night tossing and turning in bed. Given a choice I know where I would rather be.

I know the chances of him telling me where to shove it is high as well, and I might be back here wallowing in despair in a few hours. At least the house is well stocked with alcohol if I need it.

Mum and Dad are drinking Sambuca’s by the TV, watching some crap film.  
I stand in the doorway just watching them, with my jacket on and my boots in my hand. Mum gets up and comes over to give me a hug. She pulls my beanie down and zips up my jacket.  
‘’Go sort things out with your boy H’’ she whispers and gives me a kiss on the cheek.  
‘’He’s not my boyfriend’’ I blurt out.  
She looks at me like I have got two heads.  
‘’Well if he is not your boyfriend then he should be. I don’t know what the two of you are up to but you fit. You fit together. So, go fix it.’’  
‘’I hate that you are always right.’’ I whisper.  
‘’I’m your Mum darling, I always know what is right.’’  
‘’No, you don’t.’’ I laugh softly.  
‘’Don’t argue with me when I’m drinking Sambuca.’’  
I laugh and wave at my Dad. Mum wanders back to the sofa and throws herself on top of my Dad. He just sighs and shifts over so that she is snuggled up tightly between the sofa and himself. We really need a bigger sofa. Dad’s legs are hanging of the edge and Mum looks like she is falling asleep, her head snuggling up to Dad’s chest, and she is half-heartedly grasping for the blanket that is way out of her reach. 

I head out in the darkness. There is some kind of weather vortex going on again and all the snow has melted during the day. The news has been full of disgruntled people moaning about the green Christmas, the lack of snow and global warming. I must agree, it’s a bit shit. It’s wet and dark and melting snow dripping everywhere. Big chunks of ice falling off the roofs landing in splinters on the pavement in front of me. If I had the bike I would have been at T’s in 20 minutes. Instead I have to walk. There will probably be the one bus at some point but I really can’t be bothered to look it up. So, I walk. And think. And wonder what on earth I am going to say.

******

T  
It has been a crap Christmas Eve. I just can’t get excited about it anymore. We hardly have any presents to open. Mum and Dad gift each other ridiculous stuff like a car service and a Root Canal. I know these things cost money but WTF? A root canal? I just don’t get it. They have given me some cash and a gift card at a gaming store. It’s a good present I suppose but I don’t really game anymore. I have kind of grown out of it. I would have liked something like an Amazon Fire Stick, or an Apple TV thing but I doubt my Mum would even know where to order one. If you can’t buy it down the road at the shopping centre, then it’s not going to happen. I bought her and dad some electric pepper and salt grinders. They looked happy with them at least. Bloody crap shit. 

We ate dinner in silence in front of the TV. Mum’s sister dropped by for a mug of mulled wine. I just went to my room and watched Suicide Squad. Again. So now I am lying in bed way past midnight wondering what to do with myself. I supposed I could have a wank. Watch another film. 

The thing is I am pretty pissed off. I got presents from my mates at school. Not big ones. David bought me a chocolate Santa. Said it looked like a giant cock. Marlon got me those new headphones we have been talking about. They cost him a bloody fortune no doubt. I got him an Isak and Even hoodie. He loved it. He has worn it all day. I have the pictures to prove it. I smile to myself and look at his snapchat again. He is a complete fruit loop. Mad. Beyond Help. 

I am mostly pissed off at H. It is fucking Christmas. He is supposed to be my best friend. My closest friend. He couldn’t even be bothered to get me a present. He couldn’t even text me and say sorry I haven’t been in touch for 4 fucking days. Sorry that I am an arse. Well I suspect that this is it then. That this is the beginning of the end of H and T. He is bored with me. Bored with us. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want to be with me all the time. I almost want to kick something. I am just pissed off. I have composed a few epic texts to him. Telling him that he is a shit. Telling him to fuck the hell off. I haven’t sent any of them though. 

There is movement outside and I kind of freeze for a moment. We don’t get much wildlife in central Oslo, so whatever is outside is most likely human. Or a very big cat. There are no big cats in Oslo. There is a key in the front door though, and then more rummaging around in the garden. I am kind of sitting up in my bed expecting the worst, my bedside light on and my phone in my hand. I should probably go get my baseball bat, or a pair of scissors or something to defend myself with. I don’t think that I will be able to take out an intruder with my iPhone. Even though it’s Christmas Eve and the intruder is probably high or drunk or whatever. Mum and Dad will be fast asleep at the other end of the house, so it’s kind of just me. 

Me against H. Because he is standing in my doorway kicking his boots off and looking all flustered like he has been running.  
‘’Hey’’ I say. Well what the fuck am I supposed to say? Thank you for not being a drugged-up intruder that is about to kill me with the garden shovel?  
‘’Hi’’ He mumbles. He is dragging his jumper over his head and throwing it on the floor next to his bag. He brought his fucking bag. Like he is staying a while then.  
Then he takes his jeans off. And socks. My mind is kind of enjoying the show. Kind of saying ‘’ Go on then. Get your kit off’’.  
He walks over to the bed and I don’t even think about it. I just shuffle over and lift the duvet so he can get under it. He grabs some blankets too and spreads them out over both of us.

‘’I fucking love your bed’’ he says and lies down next to me.  
I feel like shouting at him. Screaming. But I am stupidly so happy to see him that I kind of don’t know what to do with myself.  
‘’What the hell happened this week H? What did I do?’’ I am almost whispering.  
‘’You didn’t do anything.’’ He reaches out and lets his finger touch my cheek.  
‘’Where have you been?’’ Crazy stalker alert. I need to think before I speak.  
He sighs and turns over so that we are both on our sides, facing each other. He still has his hand on my face, just gently stroking my cheek. I stupidly feel like I am going to start to cry. Fucking emotions. I will remember this next time I have to cry on camera.  
‘’I thought I would try to see if I could live without you for a couple of days. If It would feel OK.’’  
‘’And how did that work out for you H?’’ My voice is full of bottled up anger and sarcasm.  
‘’Fucking shit T. You can see how it worked out. I walked here. 45 minutes in this shit weather. Because I couldn’t stand not being next to you. Because I missed you. Missed sleeping next to you. ‘’  
He swallows, and lowers his gaze. Fiddles with the collar on my t-shirt.  
‘’I couldn’t buy you a Christmas present. I tried. But there was nothing that kind of worked for me. Nothing that you would have wanted. You are fucking difficult to buy for.’’  
‘’It’s OK. Don’t worry about it.’’ Yeah that’s me. Doesn’t do confrontation. I want to scream like a 4-year-old and throw a tantrum. I wanted a fucking Christmas present. Instead I am moving a wayward curl of hair away from his face.  
‘’I thought that I could give you something else instead, if you would let me.’’ He is staring at me. Looking awfully sincere. Almost frightened.  
I don’t know what to say back. My hand is still on his face, stroking his hair.  
He gets up leaning on his elbow, and his hand moves back over my neck. I’m kind of guessing where he is going with this, but somehow, I just don’t dare to breathe. He is looking at me and I am looking at him, and then he just does it. 

Leans in and kisses me. 

Let’s his lips just softly touch mine, like he is figuring out if I am going to slap him or kiss him back. Which I do. I fucking go for it. I have been desperate to kiss him again, desperate to be with him. Desperate. For anything really. I push him over so he is lying on his back and I crawl on top of him, dragging his bottom lip in between my teeth, nipping at him. Tasting him. Biting him. His hands are both in my hair now, pulling me down. I make some stupid noises when he lets his hand move up under my t shirt, letting his fingers ghost over my nipple. Like this is not just kissing. This is going far beyond kissing. Because I don’t think I can stop myself. I kiss him again. Hard. Pull at the hem of his T-shirt. I kind of need him naked. I just want that skin on skin. The warmth.  
The clothes are coming off. There is no other way really. I am tugging at the hem of his boxers with one hand, and the other is pulling his hair so I can kiss the skin in front of his ear. So I can lick a trail down the side of his neck. So I can taste his skin over his fucking sexy collarbones. I think I might be leaving a few marks there, as I suck his skin into my mouth and he moans and writhes beneath me, trying to get out of the last of his clothing. 

I don’t know how he has got my pants off, but my cock is hard and free, snug against H’s groin. I can feel him hard and hot underneath me as well. It’s a heady feeling knowing he is naked under the covers with me. I kind of decide a new rule in my head. We should always be naked in bed from now on. There is nothing quite like it.  
H pushes me back over to my side of the bed, rolling us both so he lands on top of me. His hand is caressing my hip, moving up and down. Inching its way towards my groin. He is kissing me and whispers ‘’Is this OK? Can I do this?’’  
I just breathe back into his mouth, letting my tongue stroke his. Slowly licking, tasting. I don’t know who is moaning, but I think it is me again. H’s fingers are moving up and down the length of my erection, and I grind my hips up against him again. I don’t know what I want. I haven’t got a fucking clue what I need. He starts to move his hips against mine, fast and hard. Grinding our groins together. It’s not just good. Its fucking hot. I throw my arms around his shoulders and grab him as hard as I can. Then I lift my leg up and let it hug his legs. Grinding. Jerking movements. Fucking moans that I can’t believe I am letting out. Hands pulling my hair. His mouth on my neck sucking so hard that I think I might bleed. My mouth on his. His mouth on mine. The building feeling of warmth. The fucking hard ons. I tell him I fucking love him. I tell him he is mine. I tell him that I will never ever let him go. I tell him he can forget LA, because I fucking won’t let him go. He whispers that I am beautiful. He tells how much he wants me. He tells me how sexy and gorgeous I am.  
There is wetness and sweat and heat. There is H. there is Me. There is just nothing else. He stills for a second and lets out a moan like he is dying. Because for a second I think he might be. I can feel the pulse from his cock. I can feel the warm wetness spilling onto my stomach. I am jerking and twitching and he grabs my face and whispers ‘’Come for me T, come on, let me see you’’ So I move against him as fast as my hips will let me, letting the wetness from his come help the slide. And I fall. And the darkness pulls me under. I can hear someone shout his name. I’m not quite sure it is me. 

And after that there is nothing but him. 

I’m kind of blinking into the light from the bedside table. H has got me curled up against him, so my face is snug against his chest. He is planting little kisses on my head and stroking my back. Lazy little circles of 8 over my shoulder blades. He pulls the duvet up so I am all snug and warm.  
‘’You OK? ‘’ He whispers.  
I kind of mumble something that sounds like ‘’ughth’’.  
I know he is smiling. I can hear it in his voice. ‘’Merry Christmas’’  
I don’t quite have the strength to say it back. I just kiss the skin on his chest. I am probably drooling a little. There is something wet and cold on the sheet that I am lying on. I don’t give a damn.  
H reaches out and turns out the light. And we sleep.


	8. Science and Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically Porn without Plot. I apologize.
> 
> This chapter is for the Lovely L. Happy birthday darling! xxxxx
> 
> I expect to be able to update by the weekend with chapter 9. All the love and Happy New year!

T  
The thing is, sleeping naked next to another naked body is all good and sexy in your head. In reality it’s too hot. Sweaty. Skin everywhere. It’s still my new favourite thing. I wake up lying spread out stark naked on top of the covers. Arms spread like a starfish. I am still too hot. 

H is curled up like a baby, all arms and legs, with his back towards me. I reach out and let my finger trace the curve of his spine, the fragile bones sticking through his porcelain skin.  
I used to look at porn, look at the actors, all suntanned muscle, huge boobs, chests covered in tattoos. I used to think, hell yes, I want someone like that. Someone perfect and gorgeous.  
Yet I am lying here looking at H and I cannot think of anything more beautiful than him. In all his too tall glory, his pale skin, his freckles and acne. All little imperfections that just make him more gorgeous every time I look at him. He is perfect, his skinny arms and bony ribs, the smattering of soft hair on his chest, the long legs and too big feet that he has tried to tuck in under his chest like some overgrown infant. He is snoring lightly. 

I have a boner again. I have no idea what to do about it. Do I go and shower and wank? Do I just rub up against him and hope he will wake up and do something ridiculously sexy again? Thing is I am not sure about this whole having sex thing. I’ve watched enough porn. I’ve been with people OK? I just haven’t been with H. I just want to do things with him, make him happy. Make him feel good, just like he made me feel good last night. Fuck that, good is tame. I came like a king. King of the world. 

Which brings me back to just that. I stink of sweat. Of sex. Of H.  
He is still snoring so I drape a blanket over him, and grab some underpants and head out to the bathroom.

My parents have gone away to the cabin today, so at least the house is empty. The car is gone and there is a note on the sideboard. All the normal stuff. No parties. No drinking. No smoking in the house (WTF Mum? Have I ever actually smoked in the house?) There are leftovers to finish off in the fridge and enough milk. Ace. Organized Mum as usual. I load up the coffeemaker and stick some toast in the toaster. Jump in the shower and get myself clean. Brush my teeth. Squeeze another pimple. Then regret it. That big red blotch on my chin is just not my idea of cool. Ugh.

H is on his back stretching out like a cat when I come back in, just waking up. He has thrown off the blanket so there is no denying the obvious. He is sporting a full-blown hard on.

I gulp. H laughs. I am trying not to drop the coffee cups and toast. I am also trying to keep the dressing gown I am wearing from falling open and showing off my cock that has decided that barely-awake-H-with-a-boner is probably the sexiest thing I have ever seen. 

‘’Sorry’’ He laughs and sits himself up to take the coffee off me. ‘’Morning wood. Can’t help it. Woke up thinking of you’’. He winks. 

I blush. Because I do Ok? I’m still learning to handle H and all his honesty and sex talk. I lean in and kiss him instead. A kiss full of morning breath and toothpaste and coffee and, well promises of sex. It’s not a friendly good morning kiss. It’s definitely a lets-have-another-go-kiss. It’s a fuck-the-coffee-and-chuck-away-the-toast-and-loose-that-dressing-gown kind of kiss.

H hands are untying the belt on my robe, snaking around my waist. Mine are tangled in his hair. I love his hair. Soft and long and full of sticky product that I twist between my fingers until the strands of hair are free. My lips are on his cheeks, slowly kissing every inch of his handsome face. 

‘’What do you want baby?’’ He whispers, letting his fingers move up and down my ribs.  
I have no idea. Honestly. I want him. I want everything.

‘’We don’t have to do anything, we can do whatever you are comfortable with.'' H's voice is soft and sincere. ''No pressure baby. Just tell me what you need.’’ His hand is squeezing my butt cheek. I kind of jump and squeal. A stupid kind of squeal. I just nuzzle into his neck and let him touch me. Let his hands move over my back, painting my skin with his fingers. Kissing my shoulders. Making my cock dance between us.

‘’Do you like oral? Arseplay?’’ H is teasing. His fingers are back on my bum.  
‘’Arseplay? What the fuck is Arseplay?’’ I giggle a little. Shifting nervously.  
‘’Shh’’ H kisses me again. Full on the lips. Tongue. He is moaning into my mouth. Could be because my fingers are stroking his nipples. He obviously likes that. I kind of like that too. I push him over so he is half lying down on the bed again, and lick a trail down his chest so I can suck his nipple into my mouth. I lick. Suck. Kiss. Move over to the other one. He is letting out little noises. Delicious little moans. And he has closed his eyes. I reach out and let my fingers caress his eyelids, kind of hoping that he will get the message. Just close your eyes. That way I am braver. 

I’m definitely doing this then I think. I am about to suck cock. Well that’s the plan. I kind of chicken out a little and bury my face in his groin. He smells of sex. Of sweat. Of musk. And it might just be the sexiest smell in the world. My nose is buried in the course hair, letting the skin on my cheek caress his erection. Hard and warm. I lick a little line along the bulging vein on the side, tasting the skin. His skin. Oh and by the way I kind of think I could come from just this. Just the idea that he is making all those little noises for me. That he is whispering ‘’Oh fuck’’ over and over again up there by the pillows. Whilst I am down here letting the tip of his cock slide into my mouth. 

I really don’t know what I am doing. But someone gave me a blowjob once, and it was just too soft, to sloppy. So, I go for what I like, hard, fast, sucking like a hoover. Well I imagine that’s how you would describe it. It’s not perfect. I slip and cough and drool and almost choke on him when I take him to deep. I try to do all those things you see in porn. I am pretty useless at even trying most of them so I get my hand to help and let my tongue swirl around his foreskin, letting my hand control the drag. Fast and hard. And then I stop.

‘’Noooo’’ He wails.  
‘’Poor baby’’ I tease. ‘’Do you want more?’’  
‘’Fuck T, please’’ He is looking straight at me. H looks absolutely wrecked, all flushed, hair all over the place, eyes begging. 

I take a big gulp of coffee, letting the hot liquid swirl in my mouth. I read about it once. Makes your mouth hot. I smile at him and get back down there, hoping he will moan for me. Do those sexy little sounds again.  
My coffee heated mouth takes him in again, and he fucking screams. Not like he is in pain. More like he’s moaning. Very Loudly. Thank fuck Mum and Dad are out. He is jerking his hips around, trying to get more friction. So, I pump, and I lick. There is this soft and salty taste filling my mouth, and I take it in like nectar. His fingers are pulling my hair, his hands shaking. 

‘’Baby, I am going to come.’’ his voice is barely there. 

I am so turned on now there is no way I am going to stop. I think I might just come from him shooting in my mouth. I don’t really care if I choke on it and splutter, I just want to feel it. I just want to know what it feels like. I want to hear him come. I want to taste him come from what I do to him.  
It looks so simple in porn, blowing someone, and jerking yourself off. I kind of need both hands, and I am trying to hold myself up just by leaning against H’s leg, which is kicking and jerking behind me. I am half lying down, losing my balance as I am pumping him, pumping me, and he is shouting ‘’Jesus Christ!!’’ as my mouth fills with warm hot come. I don’t think I actually swallow any of it, because my mouth is suddenly busy making some ridiculous sounds as I am coming all over myself. All over H’s leg. Pumping like mad as my mind goes all fuzzy and dark. Still pumping H’s cock whilst he is swatting my hand away. There is spunk everywhere. On my face. On my hands. On H’s stomach. On our legs.

I am breathing so heavily that I think I might pass out.

I think H has passed out. 

He is flat on the bed, not moving. Well his chest is pumping, moving up and down with every breath.  
‘’Fuck T’’ He whispers from up there somewhere. I’m still letting my head rest next to his spent cock. I lean over and kiss it. My new favorite plaything.  
‘’You Ok? I giggle.  
‘’Come up here you ridiculously gorgeous handsome boy’’ he growls and pulls at my arms.  
I must look crazy covered in spunk. I must look wrecked. Yet he just kisses me, repeatedly. Laughing and giggling. He holds me tight against his chest, draping a blanket around us. 

‘’Was that OK?’’ I kind of think It must have been. It was fucking hot down my end.  
‘’Best.Blowjob.Ever.’’ He kisses my forehead and wraps his arms even tighter around me. ‘’Epic. Give me a few minutes and I might just have to try to compete with that.’’  
‘’I might need a shower’’ I mumble with my face squashed into his chest. 

We rest for a few minutes. Then he gets up and does unspeakable things to my cock. 

We spend the afternoon doing laundry. Having showers. Eating cold meatballs straight from the fridge and licking ketchup of each other’s fingers. 

In the evening, we are curled up naked in-between freshly laundered sheets, smelling of lavender and something called ‘’summer rain’’.

‘’So, you basically gave me Sex for Christmas then?’’ I ask with a grin on my face.  
‘’Did you like it? Did I do good?’’  
I pretend to think about it and he does that face where he pretends to be crushed.  
‘’Epic baby. Best Christmas present. Ever. ‘’


	9. If you could see me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be due next week. Real life shit to do.  
> Thank you again for all the kudos and lovely comments! xxxx

H  
Well that went well. Better than well. I smile to myself and have to adjust myself in my jeans. Sexy gorgeous boy he his. My T. My baby. I have decided he is all mine. Ugh. 

I must look like a lunatic walking along the sidewalk smiling and kind of hugging myself. Because I can’t stop thinking about him. My lovely funny boy, who is a little insecure yet totally in charge. My beloved. My boyfriend. I think. 

We haven’t quite spelled it out. We have talked a lot these last couple of days. A lot about sex. What we like. How we like it. Things we want to try. Things we definitely don’t want to try. 

We haven’t talked about the important shit though. My fault I guess. I want to talk about it. Maybe T doesn’t. Does he want to be kind of officially out with me? Or is this just friends with benefits?  
I don’t even know how I feel about this. Am I really ready for a full-blown relationship? Could I handle not sleeping with anyone else ever again? Have I decided it’s all T from now on? Well I am still smiling like a loon so I suppose so. I am going to be in a relationship with T. If I have a choice. If he says yes. 

He keeps telling me he loves me. Well only when we are having sex. He tells me a lot of shit when we are having sex. I suppose I tell him stuff too. It’s just we don’t seem to say those things when we are just hanging out. I kiss him a lot. I touch him all the time. I can’t seem not to. 

He has some football thing on today, so I have decided to walk over and get my bike back. Check in at home. Get some clean clothes and sort stuff out. It’s actually strange not having him here with me. I wish he was here. I would have held his hand. Kissed him under the trees in the park. Told him I love him. 

I haven’t said that out loud to him either. It’s such a big thing to say. It kind of makes things permanent in my head. Like a proposal, I suppose. A spoken bond. 

I smile to myself again. I am such a shithead. I read all these erotic romance novels. I’m not ashamed OK? Some of them are really good. I am a romantic sap. I love all that shit. I kind of stumbled onto them when I was younger and googling sexuality. Trying to find a story about someone like me. Someone who didn’t quite identify as anything. I never found one. I read books about people who were every kind of straight to gay under the sun. There was never a story that felt like me. 

I have kind of figured it out now though. I am a little bit of everyone of those stories. A tiny molecule of different bits all blended into me. I’m OK with that. I am also Ok with the fact that I should probably lean a little bit towards being gay. Because I love T. T is definitely all man. Well who cares anyway. 

My mum and dad definitely don’t care. They love me whatever. As long as I keep my room tidy, don’t smoke weed in the house and pay my rent like a good boy. I have awesome parents. I know I am lucky. My brother thinks I am the best. I know he looks up to me. I need to spend some more time with him. Do some crazy day out or something. 

The other thing that makes me smile is all the sex. Ok, the sex with T has been awesome. We have barely scratched the surface of all the stuff I want to do with him, but the thing is that we have laughed almost constantly for the last couple of days. Sex with T is fun. He teases. He tickles. He cracks me up. He is a fucking god. Ugh. 

I fish out my phone and text him. I am laughing before I even press Send.

-Do you own a dildo?

-Fuck What? No! 

I can almost hear him chuckle. He has probably gone bright red.

-I am ordering one for us.

Well I am. We need lube and condoms and shit anyway so might as well. All delivered in discreet packaging. 

-You are crazy! He replies.

-I know. I type back.

I miss him. 

-Miss you. When are you done at football? Want to come to mine after?

-Holy shit No! Not if you are going to get your giant dildo out. I bet you have one. 

-Yup, it’s called the BIG DADDY. It has a prostate massager. 

I don’t own a dildo.

-A what? Fuck no. Bye H, nice knowing you. 

-Bye Arsehole. Dinner at 6, Mum is making Tacos.

-Do you really own one?

Haha Got him.

-Do you really want one?

I am chuckling as I text. Well I kind of do. I bet they can be fun.

He doesn’t reply straight away. I can almost picture him standing in a corner with his phone trying to figure out something funny to write back. 

-Are you googling dildo’s T?

-No, I’m on grindr looking for a new boyfriend that hasn’t got a dildo kink. Little T doesn’t like competition.

-Tell Little T that Big H says hello. And get off Grindr. You are stuck with me. 

So, we are boyfriends then. Yay. I am doing the ridiculous-man-walking-alone-smiling-at-his-phone thing again. 

-Are you really ordering a dildo?

-Absolutely. Ordering Lube and Condoms too. Anything else you want? Handcuffs?

-I’m back on Grindr. There is someone called SexyHunk wanting a hook up. Should I reply?

-Get off Grindr you idiot. You are mine. All mine. No blowjob for you tonight.

-*logs off* All yours. 

He sends me about 10 blue hearts. 

-Blowjob back on. What colour dildo? They do black, blue, pink. Flesh coloured?

-*logs back on Grindr* *Ogles SexyHunk’s profile pic* Should I ask for a dickpic?

I am laughing out loud. I send off a crying sad emoji. And as many green hearts that I can fit on the screen. 

-That’s it, I am deleting Grindr off your phone. 

-Am I still getting a blowjob? *password protects Grindr* *tells Sexyhunk to F.O.*

God, he is adorable. Of course he is getting a blow job. 

-You might get two if you are lucky. 

-Yay!! Gotta go play football. See you at 6. 

He adds about 15 blue hearts. 

I fill the screen with green hearts. Then I delete them. Fuck it. I’m going in. So I send him one little red one. Because I can. Because I love him. I promise myself I am going to say it to his face tonight. I am going to hold his face and look into his eyes and tell him.  
A little old lady walks past me and I greet her with a cheery Hello and a huge grin. She looks at me like I am about to rob her.  
T doesn’t reply. He is probably back on the pitch playing. I’m still smiling. 

He turns up at 6, all freshly showered and rosy cheeked from the cold. It’s snowing again outside, the wind is hitting the windowpanes in the kitchen with flurries of flakes. It almost makes you dizzy watching them. 

He hangs up his jacket and puts away his boots. I just stand there with my arms folded smiling at him. My gorgeous gorgeous boy.  
Mum comes out and gives him a massive hug, asking how his Christmas was and how his parents are and all that stuff Mums waffle on about. She tells me to lay the table and get T a drink. She also hands him a pair of knitted socks, telling him the floors are cold and he needs to keep his footsies warm. He just laughs and puts them on. 

I kind of just want to drag him into my room and get his clothes off.  
He glances around and leans over and lets me kiss him. Just a soft quick peck. It’s definitely not enough. I kind of growl when he lets go of me. 

He tries to discreetly adjust himself. I whack his arm. He whacks me back. We both know what’s going on.  
Then we set the table for dinner. 

Dinner seems to drag. The food is great. T and Dad are talking football, loudly and animatedly. I don’t know shit about football. Never cared. I have always been more of a bookworm. T seems to know all these things about leagues and who is managing who and what player is being traded to which club. All the talk is good though, because it lets me sit here and just look at him without being a creepy stalker type. Well maybe I am. I am completely ignoring Mum who is trying to get me to clear the table for her, and in the end I basically throw everything in the dishwasher and drag T out of there. He’s not complaining. He throws himself at me and kicks the door shut behind him. 

I drag him back and lock the door. I can just imagine my nosy brother coming in and seeing stuff he shouldn’t be seeing. Like me ripping T’s shirt off. God he is gorgeous. Perfect. I just let my fingers trace his stomach muscles. The v shaped muscles leading down to his groin. He is pushing the elastic of my joggers down, letting his hands move softly over my bum. 

‘’Oh fuck H’’  
‘’What?’’ I am seriously confused.  
‘’You are all bruised!’’  
Yes. I am. I grin. There are some black and blue bruises around my hip. Bruises in the shape of T’s fingers. He lines up his fingers along them, and yes. Definitely his hand.

‘’I’m so sorry man’’  
‘’Why? Don’t be. It’s hot. It was fucking hot at the time’’  
‘’I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to’’  
I grab his face and kiss him.  
‘’You didn’t hurt me. We were just getting a bit carried away. It’s nothing.’’  
He pushes me on to the bed and leans over and kisses every single little bruise on my hip. 

‘’So, what are we going to do with that dildo of yours then?’’  
I laugh out loud. He comes up and lies down next to me letting his head rest on my shoulder. I hug him as tightly as I can.  
‘’Arseplay 101’’  
He looks up at me with a pretend shocked face.  
I just laugh.  
He looks at me with that serious face again. The face that he puts on when he is about to deliver a crucial line.  
Then he buries his face in my neck.  
‘’What is it baby? You were going to tell me something?’’  
‘’Nothing’’  
I grab his chin and try to get him to look at me. He just nuzzles closer and holds me. Ridiculously tight.

‘’T you can tell me anything. I won’t laugh. I won’t tease you. I won’t make it weird. ‘’  
He just breathes into my neck.  
‘’Can I ask you something?’’ I sound a little scared myself.  
He kind of nods into my chest.  
‘’Are we kind of officially together now? As in boyfriends?’’  
He lifts his head and looks at me. Ridiculously messed up hair and soft eyes.  
‘’I think we have kind of been together for quite a while H. I think we just didn’t realize.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’ I am a little confused.  
‘’My Dad had ‘’that talk’’ with me last week.’’ T does little quotation marks gestures with his fingers. ‘’He told me that Him and Mum approved of you and that they really like you.’’  
‘’Really?’’ I kind of get what he is saying.

I think he is right too. I think we have probably been together since that first kiss. The first time we practiced kissing.  
We had been sitting opposite each other right here on this bed, with the script notes in front of us. He had chosen the scene where Even is depressed and sleeping and Isak is lying next to him on the bed. So, we ran through the scene, me looking limp and sad, Isak doing his angry line with gusto. I still love that scene.  
‘’So now we are supposed to kiss’’ T had said. Very a-matter-of-fact-ly.  
‘’Ok’’ I had said. I wasn’t sure how to do this.  
So, he had reached out and let the palm of his hand rest on my cheek, just slowly touching my skin with the tips of his fingers. He had looked straight at me, never dropping my gaze. He leaned in, letting his lips line up with mine, and just waited.  
I had let out a little laugh. It was quite absurd.  
‘’No laughing arsehole’’ he had whispered. ‘’This is serious acting’’  
‘’I’ll give you serious acting.’’ I had whispered back. And then I had just gone for it. Kissed him with all I had. Letting my hands tangle in his curls, my tongue pressing for entry between his lips.  
Holy fuck it had been hot.  
When we had finally let go we had both been panting. Breathing far too heavily.  
‘’Don’t make this weird’’ I had blurted out. ‘’Please’’  
‘’I won’t’’ He had whispered back. Then he had grabbed my neck and kissed me again.

‘’Do you remember our first kiss?’’ I whisper to T, letting my hand stroke his curls.  
‘’Right here on this bed’’ He half whispers back, and leans up, lips pouting for a kiss.  
I kiss him softly and he snuggles back up against me. His eyes are closed and he is all relaxed and soft against my chest. His bare legs tangled up with mine. Both of us still wearing festive knitted socks. 

‘’My grandma wants to meet you. She thinks you are called Isak though. She has seen us on TV so she didn’t buy my crap about you being called T and not being my boyfriend.’’ I'm deflecting again. Too chicken to ask the right questions. Definitely too chicken to finish what I started. 

‘’But you are my boyfriend though. Aren’t you?’’  
‘’I am. If you want me to be. Do you want to be my boyfriend T?  
He whacks me on the chest and laughs.  
‘’You are an idiot H.’’  
‘’I love you’’ I whisper in my head. I don’t fucking know why I can’t bring myself to say it.


	10. Rusty Halo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evakshipper asked for David, so here he is. Enjoy! Full on smut will return in the next chapter!

T

The being a super-famous-actor thing is wearing a bit thin. To be honest. I mean it’s fun meeting fans. It’s less fun scrolling through hundreds of tags on Insta to find the ones from your friends. Some kids are tagging H hundreds of times just to get him to notice them and say happy birthday. He just laughs and sits on the loo and scrolls through. Because we are all domesticated now, using the bathroom in the mornings. Sharing our toothbrush. H going to toilet whilst I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub laughing at him whilst I’m brushing my teeth and trying to get my hair to look half decent.

‘’Listen to this babe’’ Oh dear, H is on Twitter again.

‘’Get off Twitter, you know it’s not good for you, you will read some shit and get annoyed’’

He glances over at me and gives me that look. You know the one. The ‘’don’t tell me what to do’’ look.

H and I set up new social media accounts a while back. Private ones in made up names. I am Adrian Ekstett. H is Sven Fossbacken Magnusson. H loves Magnus. Well he loves David even more. It was funny at the time, but now I just look at it and shake my head. It’s good though, we have all our friends back and can just be ourselves. On our official social media in our real names, there are so many rules and things we shouldn’t say or do. I just deleted mine. I can’t be bothered to remember which one I am on. H just takes it all in his stride. 

‘’#ProtectHenrik is trending again. These kids are strange.’’ H is just shaking his head. ‘’How old do they think I am? 7?’’

‘’I’m glad you are not 7, because then I wouldn’t be getting all these blowjobs.’’

He lets out a little giggle, still sitting on the toilet. 

‘’Ahw look, baby Tarjei is doing the rounds as well’’ He holds up the screen where the 8-year-old me is grinning that toothy childhood grin. 

‘’And that is why I deleted all my social media baby. So all those embarrassing baby pictures wouldn’t pop up all the time. I can’t believe they are still everywhere.’’

‘’That’s fans for you. They will hold on to anything. Copy and repost forever and ever. You were so cute though. I am retweeting it. ‘’ 

H has a Skam fan twitter account. He likes all the pictures of us, and retweets everything. He is officially an idiot. 

We didn’t have sex last night. It was nice to just cuddle and talk. I slept really well too, all wrapped up with my face against his chest. H woke me up early this morning though, by getting my cock out and having a long conversation with it. He does that. Little T is apparently his mate. He makes my cock speak back to him too, in a squeaky little voice. It’s pretty hysterical. Anyway, He has promised Little T some action tonight. 

We both had emails from the Skam people this morning. 15 pages of schedules and filming and rehearsals and script meetings. H was jumping up and down fist pumping and screaming. I just grinned. I’m so fucking happy I could cry. We have another season. Another full wage packet. Another couple of months of working together. Fucking awesome. 

We need to go in to NRK and sign our contracts next week. I can barely believe it. I’m so relieved. It also means I know what I am doing and can say yes to the theatre production I have been offered for the summer.

H has another audition today. He is up for a lead in a romantic comedy. Against some blonde bimbo. Who he no doubt will have to get friendly with and kiss. It’s funny how that suddenly makes me jealous and cranky. I know it’s just work. I will be kissing other people at work too. I would love to do more romantic roles. I would like to do some action too, to be a real baddie. That would be fun. 

‘’Are you reading against that Hannah Poulsen today?’’ 

‘’Yep. They want to see if we have chemistry. If we work together.’’

‘’I suppose you will have to get to know her, if you get the part. Hang out with her.’’

H gets off the toilet. Washes his hands. Then pulls me off the side of the bathtub so that I am back in his arms. Being hugged to death. Which by the way is my favourite place to be. Well apart from being naked in bed with him. Or having his cock in my mouth. 

‘’Don’t be jealous baby. It will never be the same. Never be like us. I promise. You are mine. All mine. And I am yours. ‘’ He kisses me. All teeth and tongue and toothpaste. 

‘’I know’’ I whisper and stroke his cheek. He is so fucking gorgeous that I get a little bit week in the knees again. 

‘’We are actors. And we are us. And don’t know where the fuck the lines are drawn anymore, but you and me are special. ‘’ H is right. He is always right of course. I hug him back and let my chin rest against his shoulder. What would I do without him. What on earth did I do with my time before I met him? I can’t even remember the time before I had H in my life. When he wasn’t there. 

He holds my hand all the way to the tram station. He kisses me as he gets on. Right on the mouth. He doesn’t care if anyone sees. Neither do I to be honest. There is a guy standing a few meters away who keeps staring at me, and I just smile weakly and get my phone out. A lot of people recognize me, but can’t place me, so they just stare looking confused. Others try to pretend to be indifferent when I can tell they are taking pictures of me. Especially when they try to take a selfie with me in the background thinking that I won’t notice. People are strange. Just come up and say hi and ask for a picture. I don’t bite. 

It’s nice when I don’t get recognized too. David and I have made a deal when we go back to school next week. We will try to make sure that we arrive and leave together, and if we can’t then we get someone else to walk us home. It can just get a bit much with fans hanging around at school. It was bad enough last term, this term I can imagine it will be worse. I still don’t want to think about how big Skam has become. It’s crazy. People following us home and shit. People knocking on Marlon’s door asking if they can come in and see his room. That’s a bit creepy. 

H tends to hide better, which is strange when you think he is so tall. He pulls his hat down and puts this crazy face on, and suddenly he looks nothing like the gorgeous actor people see on TV. So people tend not to bother him when he is out. David is a whole different story. David is even crazier than Magnus. Magnus is like a toned down cleaned up version of David. He is fucking brilliant with the fans too. Nothing bothers him. But behind all that crazy persona he is one of the few people that I would trust with my life. With my secrets and lies. 

David is standing in the doorway to his apartment waiting for me before I have even climbed the last staircase. He is on the 5th floor, and there is no fucking lift. Bloody antique buildings that everyone wants to live in yet they don’t mind the full-blown workout of getting home every day.  
‘’Season 4 baby!!!!’’ He wails and high fives me.  
‘’Are you the main??’’ I can’t believe he hasn’t told me. Arsehole!  
‘’No no no, I have no idea, I don’t think it’s me. I mean nobody has told me. I’m contracted for the whole thing like last year though. ‘’  
‘’Me and H too. Its fucking sick isn’t it! ‘’  
‘’I’m wired me, Fucking hell!! It’s all going to kick off isn’t it. I called Ulrikke this morning and said she has to come down and stay with me so we can practice snogging. Like you two.’’ He is waggling his finger at me.  
‘’Did she tell you to fuck off Dave?’’  
‘’Yes, something like that’’ He is grinning. Ulrikke is the funniest girl I know.  
‘’There are a few new people on the cast list too. I know one of the girls from Drama. She’s cool. And Iman’s friend got the gig too. ‘’ I pull out a chair and sit down at the kitchen table.  
David is pouring coffee into some posh glass tumblers. His parents have this aversion to mugs. Like his mum comes out in a rash if you even mention the idea of a cup. 

‘’How’s H?’’ David is grinning as he puts the tumblers down and throws a pack of shop bought cinnamon rolls on the table. His mum is apparently allergic to home baking too. 

I grin. Huge smile.

David just laughs at me. 

‘’You are so in love with him.’’ He bangs his hand on the table. ‘’Admit it.’’

I’m blushing. But I smile. ‘’We are kind of together now’’

‘’Now? And what were you before then? Pretend boyfriends? ‘’

I shrug my shoulders.

‘’Fucking hell Evak is real! Halleluja!’’ He does a little dance around the room. ‘’No fuck, not Evak. What do we use as your ship name? HeTa? TaHe? Hovik? HO-Moe? He can’t stop laughing.

I must admit it’s a little bit funny. Ho-Moe. Fuck me. 

‘’Seriously though’’ He grabs the pack of cinnamon rolls and tears it open, letting crumbs and sugar fly all over the table. 

‘’H has been drooling over you since day 1. And you can’t sit still if he is in the room, you are too busy looking at him and trying to pretend you are not. I have been to all your drama classes too T. Don’t forget that. And I have known you since you were 5.’’

‘’I suppose we have been together a while. It’s just, It’s new that we are going to be kind of official. Out’’

‘’T.'' David has his serious face on again. ''I have known you like boys since we were in 3rd grade. All your friends know. And everyone has met H. It’s not like anyone is going to bat an eyelid. Nobody is going to scream like a banshee and have gay-o-phobia. ‘’ He is gesticulating wildly, his fringe standing straight up from his fingers repeatedly tugging at it. ’’We have all known you had this thing going on.’’

He sits back with a content grin on his face. Then he leans over and eyeballs me. 

‘’I always thought you were so cool with knowing who you are. You never really doubted yourself. Then you went and shagged that Elin chick in 9th grade. Totally threw me. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t you at all. She wasn’t your type. And you were bloody miserable afterwards.’’ He takes a big bite out of a cinnamon roll and stares at me. 

Trust him to remember. And to bring it up. He is right though. It was a massive mistake. I thought I was straight there for a day or two. 

‘’So what is my type then Mr Know-it-all?’’ I grab a roll and eyeball him back. 

He leans over the table and winks.

‘’H. Every time.’’

I laugh and take a bite of the cinnamon roll. David just shakes his head at me. 

‘’Well the whole world has seen you shagging on TV by now, so what the hell are you worried about? 

He kind of has a point. 

I text my dad on the way home, just to check if I have the house to myself this evening. It’s Mum and Dad’s Bridge night. Card games and small glasses of sherry. God I do not want to grow up and be as dull and boring as my parents.

I stop by the pharmacy too, because I want to get us some new toothbrushes. Mine is rank, and since H uses it too we should have a nice new one. I get toothpaste too. Nice smelling shampoo. I sneak in a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube at the bottom of my basket too. Hoping that I will get the grumpy cashier at the end. The one that is about 60 years old and never smiles. 

I get the 19-year-old chatty cashier. Of course. The one who knows who I am and asks how Even is. Tells me how much she loves Skam. Comments on the choice of shampoo. I am about to walk out. Honestly. She spares me the mortifying talk on the rest of my shopping and just scans them and pops them in a bag. I tap my phone on the payment reader and pull my beanie down and run. 

It’s funny how my Dad keeps surprising me. I mean he is quite cool. In all his Dad-like awkwardness and funny ways. Because when he pulls up on the drive he has H in the car. H who looks exhausted and is still in his audition clothes from this morning, Dad is looking super-pleased with himself. 

I kind of cringe a little. I should have thought of that. I should have realized H would be shattered and I should have picked him up. Or at least offered to. He is my boyfriend. I should have known to look after him. Instead I kind of hug my dad and say thank you. 

He ruffles my hair. ‘’I have two sons to look after now. We can’t have him walking around in those posh looking shoes in this weather.’’ 

H gives him an oh-my-god-I-am-so-offended smile and pulls me into his arms. It’s funny how just holding him, all warm and snug against me, makes me feel all tingly and happy. 

I pull out all the stops after that. All the look-at-me-I’m-a-responsible-grown-up vibes. I cook dinner. Well, I fry up a bag of Pytt-i-Panne out of the freezer. The ones that Dad gets when he goes over the border to Sweden. Then I fry up some eggs and heap some pickled beetroot on top. We all have dinner as a family. Toast our new Skam contracts in some cheap sparkling wine. It’s actually cool. I even laugh at my Dad’s jokes. Who would have thought. 

Then I wash up whilst H paces the room and tells me of the audition. He is really angry. Quite sad. It’s hard to take. H is the funniest and happiest person in the world and I hate that someone has crushed his spirit today. 

‘’She was just really cold. Never even looked at me when we were not reading our lines. Just switched off and then moaned and complained that I looked to young, and called me ‘’That Boy’’ like I wasn’t even in the room. Please punch me in the face if I ever get like that, and start to treat other people like shit.’’

‘’I promise’’ I say and pull him in for a kiss. ‘’I think you need to go and take a shower, and then come and snuggle up in bed with me.’’

‘’Thank you’’ he whispers. ‘’It’s just been a bit of a shit day’’

‘’Well that stops now.’’ I say as firmly as I can. ‘’This evening is all about us. And a family sized bottle of lube’’ I grin and give him a wink.

His smile is just hysterical. He practically runs to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pytt-i-Panne is a very popular Scandinavian dish made from leftover meat, sausage, potato and onion, fried up in butter and served with a sunny side up egg on top. (some people even like a raw egg on top, letting the heat from the dish cook the egg on the plate) Traditionally you have pickled beetroot on the side. This dish is commonly sold as a frozen meal that you can just fry up in a fryingpan from frozen. 
> 
> The next chapter will be full on smut again. I hope to publish another chapter this weekend, probably late tomorrow night. Thank you again for all the support and kudos. All the love xxxx


	11. Millionaires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert. You have been warned. This chapter contains graphic descriptions of Sexual activities. 
> 
> Thank you again for all the lovely comments and prompts! Keep them coming! 
> 
> Sorry for the late update. Lots of Real life stuff to juggle! I am hoping to finish off another chapter this week. All the love xxxxx

T  
He comes back into the room, his hair wet and wild against his face. Smiling that smile that just dazzles. Little droplets of water flying about the room when he shakes his head. I still can’t believe he is mine. That he wants to be with me. That he likes me. Little old me. Me with all my weird curly hair, lanky arms and too many spots on my face. That he thinks I am sexy. That he kisses me and tells me that kissing me makes him feel whole. Like everything is all right in the world when he gets to hold me. That he sleeps solidly at night when I am next to him. And that if I am not he lies awake wondering if I miss him as much as he misses me.

It makes my head spin that this is all real. That it’s no longer something that we are acting out. Nobody has written this script. This is all ours. All our making. This is us making it up as we go along. 

He lies down on the bed next to me, naked like the day he was born. Well his dick is bigger, and his legs far too long, but he is all my baby. My H. 

I was feeling a bit like an idiot lying on the bed stark naked waiting for him. But hey. The clothes were going to come off anyway, I was just getting a head start. Still feeling like a child as I hid the bottle of lube under the pillow. I don’t want to be too obvious. 

He kisses me and lets his hand come to a rest on my stomach as he places his lips softly on my shoulder. Tiny kisses that shoot through my nerve endings like fireworks. My cock is already half hard, it’s hard not to be with H naked next to me. A naked H who is looking into my eyes and isn’t smiling anymore. He is just drawing little circles with his fingers over my tummy, and letting his eyes look into mine. 

‘’ I want to do everything with you’’ I say. Reaching out and moving a wet strand of hair out of his eyes. ‘’I want to be yours. And I want you to be mine.’’ It sounds all sappy but I mean it. God I mean it. ‘’I want you to show me. I want you to fuck me. And then I want to fuck you. Like all night.’’

‘’We won’t be able to walk tomorrow if we fuck all night’’ He says. And laughs. Just a soft little laugh. 

I whack him on the arm. Twice. I’m not sorry. 

He climbs on top of me and brings my arms up over my head so he is holding me pinned down on the bed. Which is quite scary because I can’t really move. But its sexy as hell at the same time. Especially when he kisses me. Hard and heady, his tongue playing with mine. 

‘’I want to do everything with you too baby. Everything. All the time. You drive me mad, I walk around with a semi boner all the time because I can’t stop thinking about you.’’ 

I wriggle my arm free and reach in under the pillow. I place the bottle of lube in his hand.  
‘’Show me’’ I whisper. Then I pull him down and kiss him.

H

I really don’t know what I am doing. Well I do. I was lucky enough to have someone show me how to do it. How to make another man feel good. How to fuck. How to top. Bottom. All these words that feel so big and important in your head, yet when it comes down to it, nothing really matters. 

It’s just sex. Bodies. And lust. Desire. All these crazy words. When in reality it’s just the two of us. T and I. Two naked bodies in a bed. Giggling softly. T a little bit embarrassed. Me a little bit too cocky for my own good. Because I am terrified. Terrified of failing him. Of hurting him. Of not living up to the daydream of the perfect first time. 

I was a little drunk my first time. Thank God. Otherwise I would never have agreed to it. I have never regretted it. I am happy it happened. I am happy that it happened with a kind and gentle guy who treated me like a precious jewel. Who kissed every little freckle on my skin until I couldn’t take it anymore and was just begging for release. For anything really.

I can’t stop kissing T. Over and over again. On his mouth. On his cheeks. On his beautiful collarbones. The shoulders that I lean on. Because I need to. I need T so much. That’s all I could think about today when everything felt like shit. I wanted to go home and hug him. I wanted him to hug me back. To make it all better. He might be younger than me but he is the strong one out of the two of us. The one with sense. I’m a fucking child most of the time. 

I roll off him and position us both so we are on our sides facing each other. I am still kissing him. Feverishly. Obsessively. Because it calms me down. And heats me up. I’m a fucking mess, I don’t know what I want. 

The lube has still got the cellophane on it and T ends up having to take the bottle back off me because I can’t get the freaking plastic off the top. He laughs at me and flicks the top open. Drizzles some on my fingers and drops the bottle on the bed between us. Then he lifts his leg up and wraps it around my waist. Let’s his fingers trace the outline of my chin. Bites my lip. Just softly but still. He’s got this biting thing going on. So hot. 

My fingers just trace the shape of his bum, just finding their way. I just smother him with lube. Pick up the bottle and pour some more over my fingers. It’s far too much. Dripping. He is gasping slightly when my finger reaches his anus. His soft little spot of skin and heat and scent. It feels almost naughty. Heady. His muscles are tensing, and softening like little ripples under my fingers. I just stroke back and forth, kind of lost in kissing him. 

I slip my finger in. Just slowly. He is making all these little gasping noises that go straight to my cock. Well to his cock too. Because Little T is hard as hell straining against my stomach. Wriggling slightly. 

‘’Behave!’’ I whisper.  
‘’What?’’ T looks a bit confused.  
‘’Sorry, just telling Little T to behave.’’  
He lets out a little giggle. I move my finger further in.  
‘’You ok Baby?’’  
He is looking at me with a face full of wonder. Of love. His fingers digging marks into my shoulders. 

‘’I love you’’ Oh fuck. I just said it. Where did that come from?

He smiles. ‘’You must do, you have your finger up my arse’’  
‘’Good point’’ I kiss him. Madly. Passionately. Letting my finger move in and out. Trying different angles. Pushing deeper. Little whimpers. Soft against my lips. He has closed his eyes again. 

‘’Oh shit!!’’ He wails. And somehow he shoots halfway off the bed leaving me and my finger behind.  
‘’Hello Prostate!’’ I laugh.  
‘’Fuck do that again! He crawls back into my arms. Wraps his legs around me. ‘’Come on, give me that finger back’’  
‘’What’s the magic word baby?’’ I let my finger tease, drawing circles around his rim. Tapping gently at his entrance.  
‘’Fuck H, I love you please do dirty things to my butt, you are driving me crazy here’’  
‘’So fucking needy baby, telling me what you want. I love it when you talk dirty’’  
He hides his face in my neck. Grinds his hips against me. Whispers ‘’Please’’ into my skin. 

So I do. I do dirty dirty things to his butt until he is squirming and whimpering and little droplets of sweat are running down his forehead. 

I struggle opening the condom as well, the one he hands me from under the pillow. My little boy scout, always prepared. 

He ends up opening that for me too, his hands trembling. Laughing at me struggling to put it on. Only because he is pumping his cock inches away from me and looking fucking wrecked. Flushed and wide eyed. Letting his lips curl into a little smile. Such a fucking tease.

I kiss a little trail down his arm as I turn him over. I have never done it the other way around, and I want to make sure I have control. Make sure I make it good. Make it count.

‘’I need you to relax baby. Keep touching yourself. Make yourself feel good Ok?’’  
‘’Fucking just do it. Jesus Christ’’  
‘’So impatient.’’ I kiss his spine, letting my hands bring his hips up so he is on his knees. Head buried in the pillow. Hand furiously tugging at his cock. He is fucking gorgeous. 

‘’I’m not going to last long baby, it’s going to be pretty quick’’ I am almost whispering. God I’m going to come before I even get inside him.  
He just whimpers. Little sexy noises. Ugh.

‘’Just relax and kind of bear down. Pretend you are having a poo’’  
‘’That’s freaking sexy dirty talk H. Having a poo. Yeah baby that really gets me going’’ He is giggling softly, voice full of sarcasm.

So I push in. Slowly. Having to bite my lip so I don’t go to fast. He is holding his breath, fingers grabbing on to the sheet beneath him.  
‘’Jesus’’ He whispers.  
‘’That’s not my name" I whisper back.   
‘’Christ, don’t make me laugh.’’ He is panting softly, arching his back.  
‘’Still not my name.’’ I can barely get the words out. I am going to come any second. I am fighting it, holding back as hard as I can, my orgasm tingling in my groin, making my head go a little fuzzy. My vision a little blurry around the edges.

I’m all the way in. Tight against him. Breathing deep and hard. Moving my hands up and down his back, soothing caresses, kneading the skin on his back.

‘’You Ok? I pant. Trying to keep my breath steady. Oh fuck oh fuck. He is grinding slowly against me, little jerks encouraging me to move. Whimpers that just drive me crazy. I pull back, just a little, and then drive back in, making him say something that I just can’t make out. I do it again, slowly out, then slamming back in as I shout out a moan so loud I almost scare myself. 

So I lose it. Completely. Because he is shouting out words that I can’t even begin to understand. I think he is saying my name. I think there are I-love-you’s in there along with harder and faster and fucking-don’t-stop but I can’t even hear myself think above the static that is overpowering my brain. 

It’s not just good. It’s fucking fantastic. That he is giving this to me. Making me feel. Making me love him more than I ever thought possible. There is just him. There is just me. Hips slamming against the skin on his backside. Moans and shouts and "oh fucks" and "oh shits" and sweat and tears, because I think I might be crying a little as I start to come. It’s just so fucking fucking fantastically good. I tell him I fucking love him, that he is freaking amazing as I am shooting inside him. Over and over again, sending ripples of electricity through my body as the orgasm rips through me.

I kind of collapse on top of him. Because I don’t know what I am doing any more. I am spent. Jelly. Can’t move. I can’t even speak. I kind of slowly slide out of him, pulling him over on his side with me as I fall onto the bed. Holding on to him like a life buoy. He is trembling and shivering under my arms, still whimpering and snuffling under his breath. The hair on his forehead wet with sweat. 

I am breathing a little too fast for my own good. And I am a fucking idiot.  
He hasn’t come. I’m a fucking selfish bastard. Lost in my own fucking orgasm as usual. 

‘’I love you baby, come here’’ I grab his shoulders and push him onto his back. His eyes are firmly shut, hands grabbing onto me, and I kiss him softly on his lips. Then I move down and let his cock slide into my mouth, sucking into the drag as I lift back up. Down. Up. He is making fresh bruises on my arms. Marks I will treasure in the morning. Down. Up. Tight. Wet. His hips jerking and grinding under my hands. I try to hold him down. I try to take him as deep as I can. He is too strong though and arches off the bed with a roar as he comes in my mouth. Deep and warm. Salty and Sweet. All him. All sexy and horny and a little dirty. And apparently a little funny as he bursts into laughter. 

‘’What have you done to me!" He throws his arm over his eyes and tries to catch his breath. Giggling softly. 

‘’I love you.’’ I can’t stop saying it now that I have started. ‘’I love you I love you I love you.’’ I am almost lying on top of him, trying to smother him with kisses. Hoping he can taste himself on my tongue. Another little dirty thought I can file away. One of many little dirty secrets I can dig out to make me smile when life gets a little much. 

He is wiping strands of hair off my forehead again. Clinging on to me like I am clinging to him. Trying to get as much skin to skin as our bodies can physically manage. Legs entwined. Chest to chest. Lips to lips. 

He whispers my full name. My whole name and surname and that ridiculous middle name I didn’t even know that he knew about. And I whisper his back. Because I know a secret or two about him too. And we laugh. Grinning madly at eachother. 

‘’I want ice cream’’ He says.  
I raise an eyebrow. ‘’Ice cream?’’  
‘’Big Pack in the freezer. Vanilla. Two spoons. ‘’

Ridiculous boy. I get up. Of course I do. Because in this moment there is nothing he could ask for that I wouldn’t do for him. That is what sex does to my brain. I walk naked into the empty house feeling just slightly ridiculous as T calls after me ‘’Don’t go outside and we don’t need McDonalds OK? You are not wearing clothes and I won’t run after you this time!!’’  
I go back and give him the finger through the doorway. He is still on his back with his arms limp and legs spread. He just grins at me and blows me a kiss. 

I detour to the bathroom grabbing a hand towel that I soak in warm water so I can clean him up. I wash my face, and laugh at my expression in the mirror. I look wrecked. Swollen lips. Flushed face. Scratches on my arms. I can’t help touching them. Fucking crazy ridiculously sexy boy. There is a perfect imprint of teeth on my shoulder too that I can’t even remember him doing. 

Ice cream then. I tuck him in under the covers after I have cleaned him up, wiping his perfect arse and kissing his cheeks. All of them. Then I feed him ice cream. And tell him I love him. Like 300 times.


	12. The end where I begin

12 The End where I begin  
T  
It’s New Year’s Eve. The Last day of the year. The last day of quite an amazing year. I can’t believe all the things I have done this year. I have ticked off quite a few goals off my bucket list as well. Little things that make me feel all grown up and proud. I officially have a savings account. That has actual money in it that I have earned myself. 

I have signed more contracts this year than I have ever done before. I employ an accountant. And a Lawyer. How fucked up is that? I also have an agent, a proper stylist and my own true life certified boyfriend. I smile to myself. Bloody gorgeous he is as well. Swoon. 

The gorgeous boyfriend (I like saying that to myself in my head) has to work today so has left me alone and naked in bed. God I so need to change the sheets. It actually smells really bad in my room. Smells of feet and sweat and, yes, it freaking stinks of sex. I need to get up and clean. God help me if Mum of Dad decide to come in. There are tissues and used condoms (Yes condom-s, plural. We have used quite a few.) on the floor. There is one stuck on the blind. Hanging there like a limp reminder. I blush. I can feel it. I have to pull the duvet over my head in self-inflicted embarrassment. Just the thought of what he did to me. What I did to him. Fucking hot. I can’t even decide what I like the best. Me fucking him. Him fucking me. Me licking ice cream of his fingers. Him eating Pizza off my stomach. No hands allowed. 

I need a shower. Well I think a bath. I am actually quite sore. Muscles hurting. Scratches on my back that sting when I move. I am not even going to mention my bum. It kind of feels like someone has shoved a pinecone up there. Then ripped it out. They don’t tell you these things in sex education classes. Use loads of lube. And maybe don’t fuck constantly for 2 days. It will kind of wear you out. 

We’re both off to Marlon’s annual New Year’s Eve dinner later. Marlon cooks this posh sit down meal for all his friends every New Year’s Eve, whilst his parents swan off to Mallorca for the week. He is quite a good cook, and whilst it usually starts with all of us in suits and posh dresses, by midnight things usually end up with half naked people dancing on the kitchen table and hooking up outside on his massive glass covered balcony. Trust me I have been there every year since he started. H and I know a lot of the same people, having both grown up doing youth drama, so we will both have people we know there. Not that I am nervous about it, but it will be the first time we go out as a couple. As boyfriends. I say it to myself again. My boyfriend. Freaking unbelievable.

I have promised to go over early to help Marlon cook. Which means I better get up and get started. Stripping the bedsheets, and trying to find a clean pair of boxers. Finding a plastic bag big enough to hide pizza boxes and all the other crap that has ended up on the floor. I pick up and count all the condoms. All the wrappers. Check the box. Count again. I don’t dare to leave one behind. 7. Complete sets. Thank you, God. 

I even hoover. Open the windows. Spray some crap aftershave around. Then I have a bath. A hot one. I text H, moaning about him wrecking my arse.

‘’I can’t sit down. I am currently hiding in a corner pretending to wash up cups. Damn you.’’ He replies. 

I send him a selfie of me looking like I am in deadly pain surrounded by bubbles.

‘’Damn you for having a giant cock’’ I text back. Followed by a giant aubergine emoji.

‘’Damn you for having a big fat thick cock and destroying my bum’’ comes back. 

I so hope nobody ever hacks my phone. 

‘’You loved it’’ He did. Even when I made him stuff the pillow in his mouth so he wouldn’t scream the house down when I was slamming into him. It got quite loud. And Mum was in the kitchen. I blush at the thought. It was so freaking sexy though. Just the memory of it has made me hard again. My foreskin is stinging with the pull as I touch myself so that turns out to be a bad idea. 

‘’I can’t even wank thinking about you, everything hurts’’ I text. With a mischievous grin. I know what that will do to him.

‘’Bastard. Now I’ve got a boner.’’

I let out a chuckle. Bingo!

‘’I love you’’ I send him a little red heart. Because I do. And he sends me little red hearts all the time now. 

‘’I love you too’’ He sends me a little red heart back. ‘’And tell Little T that he is not coming anywhere near my bum until next year.’’

‘’Little T says Big H can fuck off because he is not coming anywhere my arse this year either’’

‘’14 more hours of cock ban then baby?’’

‘’13 hours 47 minutes. Then your arse is mine’’ 

He sends me a selfie of himself standing with his bum leaning into the Café’s industrial freezer. His face is just priceless. 

I am lying in the bath laughing out loud to the point that Dad knocks on the door and asks if I am OK. What the fuck has happened to my life. 

You would think Marlon would be stressed out cooking for 33 people. He is chilled as a cucumber though when he opens the door, dressed in some t-shirt and underpants and wearing rubber gloves. 

‘’Oh Kinky!’’ I greet him. 

‘’Fucking Gravlax’’ He sighs and leads the way to the kitchen. 

Sacha is already there, wearing an apron over his hoodie, and looking like he might chop his fingers off at any moment instead of demolishing the red onion infront of him. 

‘’Dude!’’ He says and gives me a hug. 

‘’Babe!!’’ I reply and pinch his bum. He just laughs at me.

He is the most relaxed person in the world. Apart from Marlon who is back filleting a giant slab of salmon. Marlon’s Dad makes this amazing Gravlax, that you marinate and cure in the fridge under a chopping board covered with a garden paving slab. It drives his mum mad when he brings in the big dirty slab of concrete from the balcony every year and sticks it in the fridge. Madness. It does make great gravlax though, and the sweet mustardy gravy that is already sitting in a bucket in front of me is filling the room with the scent citrus and dill and vinegar. I stick my finger in the gravy. I just can’t help it. 

‘’Bloody lovely’’ Swoony sigh. Marlon whacks me over the head. With the rubber glove on. 

I now have fishy shit in my hair. So, I do what every other decent person would do. I flick a dollop of mustardy gravy back at him. 

‘’Fucking hell T!!’’ Marlon might sound angry but he has a massive evil smile on his face. 

And then I have a slice of salmon stuck down my shirt. Which makes me squeal. Because it’s wet and slimy and cold and… Yeah and then Marlon has a handful of Onion down his underpants and all hell breaks loose. Because we are freaking children with no control. Thank god Sacha has some sense and whacks us both over the heads with a tea towel before we totally ruin dinner. I still squirt lemon juice at him. Bastard.

Marlon laughs for ages. Calling me a lightweight. I still chop enough carrots and onions and leeks for his posh filo parcels. I’m nice like that. Idiot. I suppose that’s why we have been friends for so long. 

More and more people are dropping in, some in full festive gear, grabbing chairs and setting the tables. Wrapping tea towels around their waists and grabbing utensils so they can stir the gravy simmering away on the stove. There is music on and laughter. Furniture being moved. Beer bottles being stacked outside on the balcony. Heavenly smells coming from the oven. 

I know he has arrived before I see or hear him. I kind of feel it in my bones. Like a strange sixth sense. He snakes his arms around me from behind and kisses me behind the ear. Sniffs my neck. It’s kind of his thing. He smells me. Drinks me in. It’s nice. Comforting. 

‘’Hey baby’’ I whisper. God, he smells nice too. Some posh aftershave. Shampoo. Slight whiff of beer. He hands me the can and I take a gulp out of it. Bloody cheap Tuborg. I need to get him to drink the proper stuff. Good beer. 

‘’Hi my beloved’’ he says back, lips still on my skin. Making Little T jump in my dress trousers. He touches my collar. Adjusts my bow tie. I’m all snazzed up. I had to lose the jacket though, its freaking roasting in here. People everywhere. Candles. Music. Hot breath on my neck. Hands shimmying down my torso. 

‘’Fuck H you need to stop being so damn sexy’’ I groan. 

‘’All your fault, making me horny’’ he whispers back. Laughing into my hair. 

It’s an amazing party. I feel almost high. Like I have taken too many E’s. Drunk too much beer. Like I am floating through the evening on some magic carpet. I’m high on sex. Drunk in Love. Lost in adrenaline. 

We don’t sit together at dinner. Marlon has this thing for table plans. Seating charts. We keep looking at each other across the room though. Smiling. Winking. I feel like I am on a constantly spinning fairground ride. Moving between conversations. People hugging me, talking to me. Beer cans being placed in my hand, and as easily as they are there I seem to lose them again. I keep losing sight of H. Finding him again across the room. Some girl hanging over my shoulder. David with his tongue so deep down some girl’s throat that I can’t stop laughing. Shots appearing. I remember downing them. 

It’s sobering when It hits me that something is not right. That H is nowhere to be found. I move around the crowds. I grab a glass of water in the kitchen. I text him. I open doors and apologize profusely in shame when I interrupt a naked behind bouncing over the tumble dryer in the bathroom. There is a big dark cloud brewing in my chest. I can’t actually remember where I last saw him. When I last touched him.

My whole body is aching. I just want to hug him. Say sorry for losing him in the crowd. For getting a little lost in my head. I feel like an idiot. This was supposed to be our party. Our first date out. So, I ring him. And when he picks up I actually sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gravlax is cured raw salmon. The raw fish is traditionally covered in a salt, sugar, and dill mix then left in the fridge under heavy pressure until the cure has cooked the salmon. My father uses a heavy duty chopping board with a dirty old brick on top which drives my poor mother crazy. This is a traditional Christmas food staple.


	13. No Good in Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promts by Chickasan5127. Thank you.
> 
> Happy Birthday TF!!!
> 
> And a huge thank you to A for plotting the scene with me. Dirty minds think alike. xxxx
> 
> This is the song playing at Marlon's party when this chapter takes place.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDsxtBVLyss

T  
‘’ I can’t find you’’ I sob. I am such a child. An emotional shit. 

‘’I had to get out for a while and calm the fuck down before I said something’’ I can hear him taking a drag of a cigarette. He only smokes when he is drinking. Or when he is upset. 

‘’I need you.’’ Here we go. Clingy and emotional. 

‘’It didn’t look like you needed me at all with that girl sticking her tongue in your ear’’ Fuck. She stuck her tongue in my ear?

‘’Where are you?’’ I am either going to start crying properly now or man the fuck up and get angry. Because how can he seriously think that I would even think about anyone else? After the last couple of days? 

‘’Tell me where the fuck you are H!’’ I am practically shouting down the phone whilst getting my shoes on. I am going after him. Where ever he thinks he is hiding I am fucking going to him.

‘’You’ve hardly spoken to me all night T, I might as well not have been here.’’ I can hear the anger in his voice. And the sharp drag on the cigarette. ‘’If you don’t want to hang out with me around your friends then we can fucking end it now.’’

He is being ridiculous. Of course he is. And I am an asshole. 

‘’Tell me where you are.’’ I am angry then. Angry and hurt. I step out in the stairwell. ‘’Where the fuck are you?’’ Now I am shouting. 

‘’Here’’ His voice is suddenly too close. And at the same time in my ear on the phone. 

He is sitting on the wide windowsill up the circular stairwell, curled up with his hand flicking the cigarette butt out of the open window. His shirt is open at the collar, and the tie is loosely thrown over his shoulder. Looking fucking delicious. Bloody edible.

He lets the last drag of smoke flow out of through his lips. Looking at me. Defiant. Angry. A little scared. 

I climb the stairs in like two giant leaps. Grab his shoulders and pull him off the ledge. He almost loses his footing on the steps, but I have got him. I have fucking got him. 

He probably hurts the back of his head a little when I slam him against the wall. Serves him right for driving me crazy. Because I am a little bit frightened at the things that I do to him. How he makes me do these freaking almost rough things to him. And the way I can tell that they turn him on. There is seriously something wrong with me. Seriously. Because I grab his wrists and pin them over his head, pressing my torso hard against his chest, pinning him to the wall. Letting my lips rest against his, breathing hard, just for a few seconds before I start to speak.

It’s hard to get the words out, because he is panting heavily against my lips, his chest rising and falling against me. My cock has suddenly gone from nothing to almost fully hard in my pants, pressing against his groin. The fact that he is fully hard under the touch of my leg is not helping either. 

I move my hand slightly so that I am holding both his wrists under my grip with one hand, his arms firmly against the wall. The other hand I let fall so I can trace the outline of his erection through his trousers. Firmly enough that he gasps. Just a little. I am still looking straight in his eyes. He is looking firmly right back at me. Still full of anger. Of hurt. And very much turned on. 

‘’Look you little shit’’ I hiss out. Then I let my teeth grab his bottom lip. And I bite. Just a small bite. Pulling him closer to me. He closes his eyes for a second and lets out a little whimper. Oh, fucking Jesus. I could probably come from the sounds he makes. Looking back at me. Letting his lips touch mine. Just lightly. Not even a kiss. Just teasing. Breathing. Grinding his hips against me. 

I cup his cock with my hand. Squeeze it. Hard. Hold it firm.

‘’This here’’ I whisper into his mouth, letting my fingers move over his cock. Letting the fabric crease under my grip. ‘’This cock here is mine. You are mine. All mine. And I am fucking yours. Nobody else’s. Ever. I’m yours. All of me.‘’ I kiss him. Well more devour him. Push my tongue far down his throat. Letting his teeth rasp against mine. 

God I have watched too much dodgy porn. I am actually shaking. Letting go of his wrists. Pulling his hair so I can get my lips on his neck. H’s fingers are tangling in my hair. On both sides of my head. Holding firm as he guides my mouth back up so he can kiss me back. Hard. Hot. 

The door to the flat keeps opening and closing. People going outside to watch the fireworks. The automatic light in the stairwell coming on and off. Nobody seems to notice us up the stairs. Everything tangled up in the dark. Hands. Mouths. Breaths.  
He grabs my hand and guides it into his trouser pocket. Fucking hell H. I don’t know what comes over me. Well I do. I still turn him around and shove him against the windowsill. He groans. Let’s his hands fumble with his belt whilst I relieve him of the goodies in his pocket. 

My trousers fall down around my ankles. The pants are gone. History. I think the button from his trousers is making its way down the stairs. I can hear the faint sound of it hitting the stone steps. I can also hear the little sounds he is making. The music and cheering from the flat. The first fireworks going off in the sky outside, colours of the rainbow lighting up the sky. The rip of fabric as I shove his underpants down over his arse. 

My fingers are covered in lube. Funny smelling, soft and wet against his skin. Two fingers moving in and out. My lips against his back. Trying to pull his shirt down enough that I can taste his skin. 

I am sideways up another step so I can reach. Fucking difficult angle. Fucking turned on. Crushing him underneath me.  
Trying to put a condom on with my mouth full of his hair. Gasping as he whimpers underneath me. 

‘’Fucking just do it’’ He groans out.

So I do. I’m not a bastard. I am covered in so much lube that I am not going to hurt him. Pull. Drag. Heat and pressure around my cock as I push inside him. My hands on his back. Stroking. My mouth whispering that I love him.  
I am learning. And honestly, I know we are getting fucking good at this. Good at fucking. 

The people in the flat are starting the count down. There are people on balconies outside the window. Voices. Cheers. Music. 

The sound of skin slapping against skin. Moaning. Groaning. Breathing. Gasping. 

TEN!! NINE!! EIIGHTT!! Fireworks going off. All over the sky. Like a multi-coloured rainbow warzone. Deafening noises all around me. Yet my head is full of static. Full of H. 

SEVEN!!! SIX!!! FIIIIVEEE!!! FOOOURR!!! I am holding on to his hips. Slamming into him. Letting my hips piston at a frightening speed. I just can’t stop. I need this. He needs this. Because at this point I don’t know where my body ends and his begins. I don’t know which voice is mine and which is his. 

THREEEE!! TWOOOOO!!!!! ONEEEEE!!!!! HAAAPPPYYY NEEEWWW YEEAAARRRR!!!!!  
We roar. Groan. Shout. I don’t care anymore. It’s not like anyone can hear us. And I am coming so hard inside him that I feel faint. I am leaning over his back with my arms around him. Holding him as hard as I can with my arm around his waist, whilst my other hand is searching for his cock underneath us. It’s soft and wet. There is come running down the wall. My hand kind of slides in it. 

I hold him instead. As hard as I can. Rocking him and kissing his neck. His hair damp with sweat. Nuzzling my face into his neck. Breathing him in as he does to me. Slipping with my feet tangling up in the trousers that are twisted around my ankles. Having to steady myself against the window pane. 

‘’I’m so sorry H, I love you so fucking much I whisper. I am just a crap boyfriend. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I was trying to be all cool and not clingy, even though all I have wanted to do all evening was to go and sit on your lap and cuddle.’’

‘’Sorry I got mad’’ He is trying to angle his face so he can kiss me. Letting his fingers fold into mine.  
‘’You should have come and cuddled on my lap. I would have liked that’’ His voice is wrecked. Raspy. 

‘’I will learn. I will try. Try to always put you first. Be a good boyfriend. Look after you like you look after me. You need to tell me what to do. So I don’t hurt you. I never ever want to hurt you H. ‘’ I kiss his neck. Lean my face against his. 

I wish we were at home in bed. 

‘’Take me home’’ he whispers. ‘’Please.’’


	14. Superheroes

H  
It takes almost an hour before we actually leave. Too many people hugging us and saying Happy New year. Glasses of bubbly being passed around. Loud music pumping through the air. T clinging to me like a limpet. A very cute tired limpet.

I’ve got my arm around him holding him tight to my chest. Kissing his hair. Trying to find his jacket in the mountain of jackets by the door. I find one of Marlon’s beanies and pull it over his head. He won’t mind if we borrow it. I need to keep my baby’s head warm. 

I hold him tight against me as we walk through the streets. His arm is curled around my waist. The city is still alive, clusters of people wavering across the pavement. Taxi’s roaming the slushy remnants of snow on the roads. Music streaming through open windows. Lights. The odd crazy firework. 

‘’It’s 1:17, on the 1/1/17’’ He says holding his phone up. 

‘’That’s a Skam kind of thing don’t you think? Like that can be our thing. 1.17.’’ I don’t know quite for what though. But I am a little drunk.

‘’You will have to ask me to marry you at 1.17. Next year. Or whatever. It’s important. It must be at 1.17 exactly’’

I laugh at him. He is ridiculous. As always. 

‘’So, we are getting engaged next year. Good to know.’’ I am grinning. His face has gone red. He puts his phone back in his pocket and nuzzles his face back into my neck. 

‘’I feel like I’m a bit high. Drunk. Happy. Alive.’’ He stops walking and wraps his arms around me. He has to stand on his tippy toes to reach all the way around my neck. 

‘’You do realize those were weed brownies we had for dessert?’’ They weren’t. I don’t think.

‘’That would be it then. Marlon gets some good shit.’’ He reaches up and kisses me. On the lips. Softly leaning his forehead against mine. 

‘’Hungry?’’ I reach up and stroke his cheek with my gloved finger.

‘’Got the munchies.’’ He is laughing. ‘’Weed brownies. Only you would come up with that.’’

‘’Well I was definitely tripping earlier, I thought I was getting shagged on the stairs, it was fucking horny. Don’t know what happened. Must have been some damn strong stuff in those brownies.’’

He gives me one of those looks. Laughing softly. Arms still slung over my shoulders. Blushing a little. I lean in and rub my nose against his. 

‘’Kebab?’’ I whisper?  
‘’No. Just you. Let’s go home’’.

So, we do. Walk home. Arms slung around each other. Beanies pulled all the way down. Every time I glance over at him I catch a little smile. Just enough to curl his top lip up at the corners. Pop the first of his many little dimples. Content. Mine.

How the fuck did I get this lucky.

I still make him a sandwich when we get in. We try to be quiet in the kitchen, but the quieter I try to be the more we laugh. The more things I seem to drop. Cutlery clanging as I fumble with the cheese slicer by the stainless-steel sink. A tub of butter falling out of the fridge. T giggling like a 3-year-old at my badly cut smoked sausage.

I leave a mess in the kitchen. Sorry Mum. I’m not quite a grown up yet. 

He is getting undressed at the side of the bed. Not quite balancing, stumbling as he gets out of his posh trousers. Half eaten sandwich between his teeth. Dropping his underpants on the floor before falling face first into the pillow. Sandwich and all. 

‘’Idiot’’ I whisper and stroke his hair as I crawl under the duvet next to him, trying to get all our legs and arms and an uncooperative T balanced correctly so we are both under the covers. I shamelessly steal the last crust of his sandwich and pop it in my mouth. We are both disgusting creatures. Dirty little things. I smile at myself. Softly kiss his forehead. 

How on earth did I end up with this gorgeous boy in my life? This beautiful man. This funny disgusting little creature. This sexy ridiculous guy. How can one person be all of these things all rolled into one?

6 months ago, I applied for this crazy audition. This weird role. Looking for a tall bloke to play a challenging charachter for NRK. I never thought in a million years that they would choose me. Never. I never thought it would change my life. I never thought I would sit here six months later and wonder what the hell happened. 

I’m happy. I am content. I don’t know what the fuck the future will bring. It’s exciting though. I might end up with this fantastic life. Roles and opportunities that I can’t even imagine. I might end up with money. Fame and fortune. My name in neon lights. I might be able to buy Mum and Dad a house. Buy my brother a car. 

I might also just end up right where I started. Making cappuccinos. Pouring cups of tea. Piss poor and struggling to find enough money to buy the shit I would like. Still living with Mum and Dad. Riding a rusty old bike.

I lie down next to him and let my fingers stroke the soft skin on his cheek. A little bit of stubble growing through. He is snoring. Loudly. Lying on his stomach, half his face buried in the pillows. Curls framing his face. At peace. Asleep.

It won’t matter what the future brings. I kind of learned that today. That however angry I get at him, I still love him. However shit life might become I will still love him. I know I don’t function well without him. That I don’t smile as much when he is not around. That I can’t sleep if he is not lying next to me. 

I know I will love him whatever life throws at us.  
And he will hopefully still love me.  
For now, that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not over yet. One more chapter to go. 
> 
> Scandi fun fact.  
> You always take your shoes off when entering a Scandiavian home. It is seen as extremely bad manners not to. You will notice this in SKAM, for example when Isak visits Even's flat, they both take their shoes off at the door. Slippers aren't very common, as Scandinavian houses are warm, but knitted socks are commonly worn over normal socks in winter.  
> In winter you ensure you put muddy wet boots away and any wet clothes are often hung in a drying cabinet, or in the bathroom to dry.


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue was prompted by anaisanais. Thank you.

February 2017

H

‘’Cut!!! Good job, everyone take 30. All back on here on starting spots at 2.15’’

I let my shoulders drop. It’s getting harder and harder to shift between Even and me. I thought season 3 was difficult to film but the last couple of days have been freaking awesome. Draining. 

I have kind of got Even under control now. Last season he was all over the place, in his facial expressions, his tone of voice. He is nothing like me now. He is really himself. He is a fucking genius. Crazy as fuck. Hysterically random. Kind. In love. 

T has dropped to the floor with his head in his hands. Grasping on to the water bottle that someone has handed him. The fucking hat still on his head. 

The scene we are filming is the climax of a slow burning argument. It’s intense. It is going to blow everyone’s mind the evening it airs. I can feel it in my stomach. We are creating something great here. Heart breaking. Funny. Real. Sad. A little bit of life. 

Iman hands me a water bottle. I can barely get the lid off. My hands are shaking. My whole body shudders. She wraps her arms around me and hugs me. 

‘’Just shake him off’’ she whispers. She knows how I get. How hard it can be to shift. To be me and to be Even all within a few minutes. 

‘’Will you marry me?’’ I keep asking her. It’s kind of our thing. She laughs and hugs me tighter. I am in constant awe of her. ‘’You were freaking awesome Im, I mean it. That was just. Wow.’’  
‘’No H. I love you but that would be one hell of a weird Ménage. And I don’t think T is that into me. ‘’ She glances over at T who is still on the floor. Watching us. Smiling. God I love him. 

The stunt co-ordinator is talking to T again. The fucking hat. We have already wrapped the opening scene. We have wrapped the end scene. Where Isak wears the bloody hat. We are just filming the middle bit now and with the moves we are supposed to do to get the camera angles right, to get the flow of the action, Isak keeps losing his hat. It’s not his fault. It’s not Jonas’ Arm. Or the way Sacha’s elbow touches his shoulder. It’s just a ridiculous detail. It has to be right though. I get it. 

Ibrahim the wardrobe guy is all over me again taking my jacket off me. I’m not allowed to wear it when we are not filming as Ib claims that I wreck it. It was one time. And it wasn’t my fault that David spilled garlic sauce all over it. Well maybe it was a little. I did steal the last bit of his curried prawn pizza.

Ib so has it in for me though. He has stolen my favourite beanie too. Claims it doesn’t suit Even. Banned it from the series. It’s a fucking awesome beanie. 

T is a bit of a mess. I can tell when he curls himself into my arms. I can always tell. If he needs hugging or if he wants to hug me. He definitely needs hugging now. Hard. I bury my face in his neck and rock him. 

‘’I’m here baby’’ I whisper. 

His shoulders are stiff, pulled up into his neck. This scene is slaying him too. Too many emotions swirling around in the room. Sacha’s line that changes everything. He is bloody fantastic. The deep voice he pulls off. Full of emotion. Isak who just keeps getting stronger and stronger. T is just slaying as usual. I am proud as fuck. Missing my cue’s as I am just staring at him. 

‘’Can we just get out of this room for a sec H?’’ T looks at me and I can tell he is tired. Exhausted. 

I grab his elbow and lead him out into the corridor. Just down to the end of the hall. I have kind of got an idea in my head. A little something that I thought of the other day when I was hanging around waiting for my next shoot. Something to chill us out. Calm us down. Clear our heads so we can focus again. I smile to myself and check my back pocket.  
‘’Let’s go’’ I say. 

T

H can get a bit scary when he is Even. He is getting fucking good at being Even. It’s almost as he erases himself and slips into Even instead. Even who still loves Isak. Desperately. Fully. Almost with an un-comprehendible softness in the full blow of mania that only Even can deliver. H does it so well, to the point that I find it difficult to watch. 

It's hard to see how he struggles to find his way back to being himself when they shout ‘’Cut!!’’. I get it though. Isak is not having an easy time either. It’s hard enough delivering the mood with everything going on around you and having to think about exactly where your arms and legs are going in the rumble of what needs to happened to capture the shot. 

I find it hard to find myself sometimes too. To step outside and check my phone and wonder about what we are going to have for dinner. Ordinary little things that kind of seize to exist when we are working.

It’s fab having H with me though. He makes me laugh. Hugs me to death. Tells everyone that I am his baby. Tries to lift me up and carry me around. Fucking bonkers he is. Love him. 

I haven’t got a clue where we are going. We have 20 minutes tops. So probably not far. H looks over his shoulder and opens the door in front of us before pushing me inside. Looking around before shutting the door and locking it from the inside. Switching the light on. 

We are in a fucking cleaners broom cupboard. Shelves stacked with toilet paper and cleaning products. Tissues. A huge stainless steel low sink used for dirty mops and buckets no doubt. Strong smells of cleaning fluids. And a flustered H who is pulling his hoodie over his head. 

‘’H?’’ I question. I mean come on. A broom cupboard?

‘’T?’’ he replies raising an eyebrow. Cheeky sod. 

He slips the bomber jacket off my shoulders. Lets it drop to the floor. Moves his hands around and unfastens my belt. Breathes into my face. Let’s his nose rub against mine.  
I raise my chin and let my mouth smash into his. I can play dirty too. Lots of tongue. Letting my fingers grab hold of his hips. I don’t know what he has got in mind. Little T is all in though. Bouncing like an excited puppy in my underpants as H’s hand enfolds him. Soft strokes. Up. Down. The pull of the elastic as my boxers fall to the floor. 

Someone leans against the locked door. Speaking loudly on a phone. Which just drives H a little bit wilder. Sucking his lips around the skin on my neck. No doubt marking me. Ibrahim is going to have a fit. It still makes me moan. I cant help it. I cant control myself when H gets like this. When he goes all bossy on me. Takes charge and does dirty things to me. I smile a little against the skin on his shoulder. Biting into the softness where the bone on his shoulder ends and the hardness of his muscle begins. Licking his skin. Smelling him. Heady and strong. Sweet like caramel. 

There are more voices outside. People leaning against the door. Discussions. Laughter. 

It’s a little bit naughty. The thought of people being so close. The idea that they might hear the moan I let out as H turns me around and places my hand on the the cold metal on the edge of the sink. The strong scent of cleaning fluids hitting my nose. His foot as he kicks my legs apart. Spreads them wider. His fingers caressing my behind. Kneading my bum. His breath against my skin as he kisses a little line down my back. Licks my skin. Nuzzles into the softness at the bottom of my spine. Every one little touch sending shivers through me. Making me make these crazy embarrassing little noises. I can’t help myself. I know what is coming. I hope. God please let him do it. I love when he does it.

‘’I love when you do that’’ I sound desperate. I am desperate. What have I become. His tongue is slowly working its way down my crack. His fingers holding me open. Flicking his tongue across my opening. Making me twitch. Shudder.

‘’Do it again’’

He does. Again and again. Soft. Then hard. Pushing against my muscles. His tip pushing for entry. Making me shake and gasp. Making the tip of my cock leak. Fingers kneading my skin. 

I kind of shout out when his tongue makes it in. God I am going to come just from this. Just from the picture I have in my head what he looks like behind me. On his knees. Eyes closed. Flushed cheeks. His cock hard in his jeans. I can hear him shifting his knees. The rip of the zip as he gets himself out. Pumping his cock through his fist. 

‘’Keep your hands on the sink’’ God his voice. So bloody bossy. I don’t argue. 

He stands up. Fiddling with the little sachet of lube. Emergency stack. We both carry them in our wallets now. Much easier than the bloody bottles. That leak all over your school bag. Stain your jeans. We don’t need condoms now. We were both tested a few weeks back. Exclusive. Together. Boyfriends. Bloody grown ups. 

I still squeal when his fingers breach me. I'm just too turned on. And he does it so well. Lulls me into just standing there, waiting for him to kiss me. And then he just gives me his fingers. Presses his whole body against me. Grabs my face so he can kiss me. His mouth full of the taste of me. The smell of me. Makes me bloody horny. I lick his mouth out. Bloody devour his tongue. Bloody dirty boy. Freaking sexy god. Mine Mine Mine. 

He doesn’t even ask what I want. He knows what to do. Knows what i like. What drives me crazy . I wimper a little when he pulls his fingers out. Then in again, sweeping across my prostate making my cock drip. Making me moan. Say his name. Beg for him.  
‘’Please H fuck. Fuck. Need you’’ 

I don’t even finish saying it before the tip of his cock is pushing inside me. And I shout. It’s just so hot. Big. Filling me up. His hands roaming my chest. Pinching my nipple. My hand reaching for my cock.

‘’Don’t’ let go of the sink’’ he growls. Both fingers working my nipples. Cock all the way up my arse.

Rocking against me. Softly jerking his hips. Sliding almost all the way out. Then making me scream out when he slams into me. 

Banging on the door. Someone asking if anyone is in there. Are you alright? 

H’s hand over my mouth. Hips pistoning against me. The hard slide of his cock inside me. In and out. Driving me crazy. My eyes squeezed shut. Face grimacing in pleasure. In heat. Pain. Pleasure. Love. I can’t even tell them apart. It’s all H is. So much of him is part of me. Him and I all swirled into one. 

His forehead dropping against my shoulder blade as he comes. Biting into my skin to stop himself from screaming. Whispering ‘’Fuck Fuck Fuck Oh fucking shit’’.

I kind of want to laugh, but I am spraying the wall in front of me. Shooting long stripes of come against the sink. All over the sign urging you to ‘’Please wash your hands’’. Shooting my brain out through my dick. Under the helpful pull of H’s talented hand. Panting hard against his mouth as he kisses me. His tongue pushing against mine. My hands still gripping the sink. His skin against mine. My breath against his. Mine Mine Mine. 

‘’HOLM!!! SANDVIK!!’’

‘’Oh Shit!’’ H is laughing as he pulls out of me. ‘’What time is it?’’

‘’2.23’’ Fuck Fuck Fuck I am pulling my boxers on back to front. Tugging at my jeans. 

I lean over and give H a hard kiss. Flick my tongue over his lips as he tries to buckle his belt. 

‘’Fix your fringe’’ he whispers and nods towards my forehead.

I pull my fingers through my hair. Grab the damn hat and shove it on my head.  
Reach over and adjust H’s hoodie. He looks wrecked. His lips swollen. Face flushed. Eyes wide. Smiling at me. Face full of dimples and freckles. 

‘’Love you’’ His voice is full of laughter. I can imagine what I look like. Freshly fucked written all over my face.  
‘’Love you too’’. I do. God I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read and followed me on this roller coaster of a fic. I have absolutely loved writing it. It was not an easy decision to write it. I understand all the negative comments. Serr. I get it . I do, honestly. But It is what it is. I loved the idea of this story. I am glad so many of you loved it too.
> 
> There are a few unfinished ideas that I might finish and add as one shots to this fic. I will add them as a series when they are done. If they get done. 
> 
> I will no doubt write a second part once season 4 gets underway and starts messing with my internal fanfic. That's the plan. As long as we get Even and Isak in S4. I mean Come on NRK!!!
> 
> Thank you to all of you who gave me prompts. 
> 
> Thank you to my lovely fic writing/reading gang who plot and read with me. What a ride we are all having. LOVE YOU  
> LADIES!!!!!!!
> 
> But Mostly, Thank you H and T.
> 
> Find my other SKAM fics on Ao3, the latest one is here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8682547/chapters/19904233  
> I am working on a new LARRY fic as well as an EVAK AU fic called What if, that I will publish as soon as possible! All the love. x


	16. Bonus Chapter Deleted Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BONUS CHAPTER. Deleted scene.   
> This was the original first chapter idea for Dead Man Walking, before Christmas came along and H decided to go and give T sex for Christmas. So, this takes place where Dead man starts, and nothing much has happened. 
> 
> Smut free. So far.

H  
It’s been one of those days. A totally shit day. Not only was I late for work, I left my mobile at home and lost my tram pass. I am just so fucked. 

Work just didn’t get any better today. I burned my hand. Got shouted at by a customer. Got all flustered and got orders wrong. Then I lashed out at my co-worker. It wasn’t her fault. She is new. I should have been supportive and helpful. But anyway. She went in the back and cried. I could tell when she came back out. I did kind of apologize. I am an ass.

All I have been able to think of all afternoon is that I need a cuddle. Not just a hug. A proper full body all-consuming cuddle.

You see I have this best friend. Who gives awesome cuddles. We are workmates really. We both do a bit of acting. And we play boyfriends in this drama series. So somehow in the whole fucked up world of acting we have kind of become best friends. It’s not that crazy really. We had to do a lot of practicing to start with. To get close. So things would look natural on camera. So things would look real. And T, my friend, is an epic cuddler.

It’s a bit shit really. Because we have wrapped filming now. It’s done. End of season. So we really don’t need any more practicing. We don’t need to pretend. We can go back to just being friends. 

That is kind of what has happened. I haven’t seen him for a week. After hanging out almost constantly for the last 3 months. It’s weird. Sad. I kind of miss him. 

I guess that’s why I have ended up here today. I am sitting outside his school. Jacket zipped up to my neck. Beanie pulled down. Hoping to catch him. 

There are a few fans hanging around. They are easy to spot. Taking selfies in front of the school sign. Sitting on that bench. The one where they always want selfies with T at.  
If they recognize me it will all kick off. Then I might miss him. I don’t mind the fans. I don’t mind the pictures. Just not today. Today I just need him. 

He finishes at 3.15. I kind of know his schedule by heart. Funny how I have memorized it. He has English during the last hour, so I even know which door he will exit through. Which is why I am sitting here. So he will see me. So I will see him. 

The fans spot him first though. He is smiling. Happily letting people hug him. Take pictures. Schoolbag slung over his shoulder. Hoodie over his head. I kind of hang back. Let him have his moment. 

He spots me pretty much straight away. Smiles and winks. Says good bye to the fans and walks over to me. Grabs my arm and walks me down the stairs. Away from eyes and cameras and people looking. I kind of get it. I am grateful. He always gets me. It’s like he takes one look at me and knows what I am thinking. What I need. What I don’t need. He is fucking 17 years old and he gets me. He understands me better than I do myself. 

‘’Hi babes’’ he whispers once we are out of sight.   
‘’I’m more like your crazy stalker today’’ I smile at him weakly.   
‘’You can stalk me any day, you know that.’’  
‘’I know’’ I do know. It’s just been a bit strange not seeing him every day. Not being with him.  
‘’What’s up then? How was work?’’  
‘’Fucking crap on a shit stick. Crap crap day. Left phone at home. Got shouted at. ‘’  
He giggles softly. Squeezes my arm.   
‘’You are coming home with me then? Chill for a while?’’  
I only nod. Told you. He knows me better than I do myself.

T lives in this awesome house. I mean I have grown up in a flat. No privacy. No hope. 

T has his own room kind of on the side of his parent’s house. Just by the entrance. Almost cut off from the rest of the house, yet still next door to the kitchen. His parents are super cool too. Really chilled. 

I’ve missed hanging at T’s house. I kind of relax the minute we walk through the door. Kick our shoes off. Hang my jacket up. Throw my beanie in the basket by the door. Like I live here.   
He throws his jacket on the floor. Throws himself on the bed. He always does. Letting out a big sigh of contentedness. I kind of crawl up and lie down next to him. Awkwardly hoping that he will snuggle up to me. 

‘’Do you need a cuddle?’’ He asks. Smirking the way he does. Face full off little dimples. Eyes full of mischief. 

He doesn’t wait for an answer, just pushes me over so he can spoon me. Me, all legs and arms and awkward movements. Him softly curling around me, burying his face in my neck. 

I’m kind off all stiff. Not because I don’t want him there. It’s just, It’s just not enough. Not what I need. I don’t need spooning. I need him. I kind of need more today. I need him to make things better. To put me back together again. To tell me we are OK. That what we have is different. 

‘’This is not working is it?’’ he whispers to my hair. Let’s his fingers stroke my arm. 

Then he sits up. Moving around so the mattress is bouncing and squeaking beneath us. Takes his jumper off. Then he grabs my arms and yanks me up so I am sitting next to him. He starts rearranging the pillows. His face stony in concentration. It kind of makes me smile. 

‘’There’’ he says. Looking proud of his handiwork. 

He lies back down on his back, pulling me with him in the fall. Pushes my head down on his chest. Lays my arm around him. Pulls my leg up so I am half straddling him. 

‘’There’’ he says again. ‘’that’s better. Better?’’

I kind of just groan into his chest. Much better. This Is what I need. His hand rubbing my back. Little circles and patterns swirling over my shoulder blades. His other arm under his head. His mouth trailing little kisses in my hair.   
I let out an embarrassingly loud sigh. Because it is perfect. It is calm. His warm skin against my face. Peaceful. Us. Two boys having ridiculous cuddles. Because we can. Because it makes me feel better. It makes me feel safe and warm and like nothing can hurt me. 

I am a fucking adult. I should be able to cope with a crap day on my own. It’s just that T knows how to fix shit. How to fix me. I wish I knew how to fix him back. To do this for him when he needs me. Not that he needs me. He is T. Nothing bothers him. Nothing is too much. He is chill. Popular. Awesome. 

‘’Better?’’ He asks again. Placing a soft little kiss on my forehead.   
‘’Mm. Better. Thanks’’ I whisper.   
‘’You are lucky to have a gay best friend to cuddle you. Every bloke should have one’’  
I let out a soft laugh. ‘’I am lucky to have you’’  
He gives my forehead another kiss.  
I kind of want to cry again. Because I am such an idiot.


	17. BONUS CHAPTER: VALENTINE'S DAY 2017 part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines day everyone. Just a little treat to make you laugh. Part 2 coming up. All the love! xxxx

Valentine’s Day 2017  
H  
So, Did I ever order that Dildo for T I hear you ask. Well well well. I did. And it’s sitting in a huge fuck off brown box on my bed just taunting me. 

I have bought this pink wrapping paper with red hearts on. And a ridiculous card. I mean I am going all in for fucking valentine’s day. I might have messed up Christmas a little this year and T never lets me forget. Rightly so I must add. So, this one I am getting absolutely right. Make no mistake. T will have an epic valentine’s day. Or night.

We both have shit on during the day. School and work and I have a photoshoot in the morning and meetings and Mum is nagging me to hang out with her and I am just a bit snowed under. 

At least I got him a gift. Whilst other people might buy their beloved roses and chocolates, I think T would be epically pissed off if I tried to pull that kind of crap on him. So I have bought what he needs.

You see I am spending most of my hard earned cash keeping my sex mad boyfriend stocked up with lube and sheets these days. Since we use like litres of lube. And ruin sheets. Fucking IKEA. I didn’t mean to put my foot through the last set we bought. I just got caught up in the duvet when he was riding me. Kicked it a bit and kind of made this massive rip down the side. Then I tried to make the bed with one of those fitted bottom sheets. It wasn’t my fault OK? He distracted me. Took his clothes off. And I accidentally came all over the sheet and then ripped a big hole through the middle of it when I tried to clean it off. I mean it was clearly a manufacturing fault. Not that I would take it back to IKEA and complain. I mean. Nobody does that. Do they? Nope. I have bought 3 new sets since Christmas. All for T’s bed. Because I basically live there most of the time, except when we sleep at my place. Which is not as private and my Dad complains that we make too much noise when we sleep there. I mean we are quiet as mice. I can be really quiet when I come. Sometimes. My mum just laughs. 

She really wants to know what is in the box she collected from the corner shop for me today. I bet she has been googling the discreet sender company name. Shaking the box and trying to peek under the flaps. I am so not telling her though. Some things just have to remain private. 

I don’t even think she would be shocked if she knew. I am a bit scared to open it though. What if its really huge. I mean I wouldn’t like a giant dildo stuck up my bum. That would hurt. I tried to choose one that is kind of a normal size. One that had great reviews. I mean who the fuck takes the time to sit and write reviews on sex toys. I had quite a laugh reading through them. Got some ideas. And some really disgusting ideas that I will never ever try. Ugh. Yuk. Just NO. NOOO! 

I man up a bit. Rip the tape of the box. Take a deep breath and fold the flaps back. 

I have ordered the biggest bottle of lube you have ever seen. They weren’t kidding when they said industrial sized. I mean ’’family size’’ would just sound wrong. Wrong on so many levels. This is huge. And has a pump action dispenser for ease of use. I mean fuck me. Yes literally. That is what it’s for. But it’s not the kind of bottle you can hide in a bedside drawer. T is going to freak out. Because there is no way this bottle is staying here. It’s his present. He will have to deal with it. I burst out into giggles when I get the bow out of the bag. A big frilly red bow with ‘’Just for you because I love you’’ in intricate letters all over the show. I tie it on to the neck of the bottle. It looks freaking ridiculously funny. Definitely full marks to me. 

The dildo comes next. It’s in a crazy looking box that is just revolting. I rip it up and stomp on it so I can hide it in my bag to dump in a city trash can when I go out later. I mean imagine Dad fishing that out of the recycling bin. Not happening. Like ever. 

The dildo looks good though. Its big. But not too big. Good size. Fake veins snaking across the rubbery plastic. Its soft. Heavy in my hand. Even without the batteries in it. I am quite proud of myself. I thought ahead and ordered batteries too. Duracell. Long lasting. For your entertainment and pleasure. I should be writing by-lines for those sex toy shops. I know all about up-selling now. Although I didn’t think we needed the Dual Penetration kit to go with the dildo. I mean NO. Just NO.

And the suggestion of buying a rubber nurses uniform to go with our dildo purchase was just ridiculous. Who the fuck sits and programs this shit? 

I get my wrapping paper out. And the pink tissue paper the shop assistant sold me. Little did she know I wasn’t wrapping up something prim and proper. I kind of snicker to myself. 

There is antibacterial cleaning solution wipes included, so I kind of give the dildo a good scrub. Ready for use. Then I put the batteries in and give it a whirl. NOT LIKE THAT. I mean I wouldn’t. I just let it sit in my hand. Pathetically vibrating away. It’s nice. I bet it feels quite nice when it’s up your bum. 

I turn it off. Wrap it in tissue paper. Fold layers and layers of pink heart wrapping paper around it. Use far too much sellotape. Add some more of the nerdy ribbon. Big bow on top. It still looks like I have wrapped up a dildo. But hey. It is a dildo, so whatever. 

Then I write the card. Which is the easy part. Because I can just write whatever I feel like saying to him. And he already knows everything anyway. It’s nice to write it down though. It looks quite cool. I almost get a little bit sappy when I fold the card back up and slide it into the envelope. 

I am not going to lie and say that the last couple of months have been easy. No. We have had some really crap days. Big huge fucking screaming shitty arguments about stuff that I can’t even remember now. T has a temper. I have an ego. We are both bloody idiots at times. I have sat here on my bed sobbing my heart out over his ridiculous throwaway comments. He has chucked me out. Twice. Told me to go away and grow up and come back when I have grown some balls. But I have always come back. Crawled into his bed late at night full of remorse and sadness and need. Wanting to hug him and hold him and kiss him and apologize for being the fucked up human I am. We are both really good at making up. At apologizing. We both apologize so much we have to stop ourselves and say ‘enough’. We look at each other and we both know what we are thinking. We are kind of silently saying ‘’We are good. Enough baby. We are OK. And I love you’’. Then we are suddenly all right again. 

I turn the card over and just put a nice T on the front. With a little heart. And about 25 little crosses for kisses. 

There. Then I put it all in my rucksack and rip the receipt into about a hundred little pieces. Stuff it in the empty cardboard box and stomp on it until its flat.   
I can so do this. I can do an epic valentines date. Go Me. I rock.   
I fish out my phone from my pocket and text him.   
'Tonight. 7 o clock. Be home or else.' Then I send him about 50 little red hearts.


	18. BONUS CHAPTER: VALENTINES DAY part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I need to remind you? Smut Alert!!!!!!!

T  
H has got plans. I kind of sit on the tram with this ridiculous smile on my face. Baby. That’s what I am thinking. My darling little beloved. God I love him so much it is crazy. He is crazy though. 

I know I tease him about shit. Like Christmas. I still have a go at him for not getting me a present. I’m just teasing though. He gives me stuff all the time. I mean we get a lot of free clothes and stuff now. Stuff just gets sent to our agents and boxes of really cool stuff just turn up on our doorsteps like magic. H gets most of it. He is kind of modelling as well and is becoming some kind of style icon. It all goes to his head a bit. But I just whack him on the arm and tell him to chill. Stare at him and give him my most serious face. I can never do it for more than a few seconds thought without bursting into laughter.

He can be absolutely ridiculous. Then he does this worried face and says ‘’Am I being a twat again? Is it too much? Do I look ridiculous?’’ He usually does. So, I kiss him and rip whatever stupid shit he has put on off him and if we are at home I usually end up sucking his cock until he is crying. I’m god at that. Taunting him. Bringing him to the edge of orgasm and then just stopping. Not letting him come until he cries and begs and pants and whimpers. Ridiculous sexy gorgeous boy. No wonder I can’t stop smiling.

He does bring all the stuff to my house though so we can share it. I mean to our house. We practically live at my place. And funnily enough Mum and Dad seem to love it. They seem to be thrilled to fork out loads of cash on all the food we eat. Because Hello, we both eat loads. Dad just keeps shopping. Fills the fridge with milk and beer and loaves of bread and pizza and ready meals. H just treats it like home. Cooks for us all. Makes coffee in the morning. Washes up. Kisses my mum goodnight. Dad keeps telling everyone he has two sons. And Mum posts all these crazy selfies with H on her insta. I mean I am in most of them too, but she has this picture of herself hugging H, both grinning at the camera, as her profile pic. I mean come on Mum. She adores him. Just like I do. He is just so freaking lovely it makes my head spin.

I am home early today, I mean it is Valentine’s day. It’s some shitty commercialized holiday that is not anything to do with Norway, but all the shops are screaming out for people to buy shit and be all lovey dovey so, well, who am I to argue. I like it this year. It’s the first year that I have someone to do Valentiney shit with, so I am like all in. I was going to buy him roses. But hey. I’m a dude. He’s a dude. What the fuck are we going to do with a bunch of roses. 

I have bought minute steaks instead. 2 packs. Garlic bread. Oven chips. Posh Béarnaise sauce to pour on top of everything. Swoony sigh. Béarnaise sauce is the true food of the gods. Creamy and rich and fatty and tasty and smothered all over a chip it is just to die for. I decided we are eating Man food tonight. No freaking healthy shit in sight. H can take his freaking smoothies and rye bread and shove it somewhere. Well not up his bum. His arse is mine. Mine mine mine.

I have tidied up our room too. I have changed the sheets. Fluffed the pillows. Downloaded a new horror movie that I haven’t seen yet. Perfect stuff. He will hold onto me throughout the movie and get all scared and shit and then I will have to shag him until he passes out so he won’t have nightmares. I know him. I know what he is like. Win Win all-round. 

The big bonus about tonight is that H and I booked a hotel stay for mum and dad. Sent them off on a break for the night. They didn’t argue. It actually felt epic doing it. It’s the first time I have spent my money on my parents like that. That I have done something that felt really adult. It was H’s idea actually. He said he wanted to thank them for putting up with him all the time. Which was really sweet. Mum actually cried a bit. I bet she will be posting pictures on Facebook all evening whilst my dad rolls his eyes and drinks posh red wine. 

He turns up early. Of course. Whilst I am still in my sweats trying to whisk the béarnaise sauce into something that resembles the glossy smooth picture on the packet. It still tastes nice. The steaks are marinating in black pepper and a little oil, the garlic bread warming in the oven. And H has his arms around me and his mouth sucking bruises into my shoulders. Smelling my neck. His hands in my briefs playing with my cock. 

‘’I love you baby’’ I whisper, ‘’but I am about to seriously fuck up your dinner if you don’t stop that.’’  
‘’I’m sorry’’ he whispers back, hands still stroking my semi. ‘’But I’m not really sorry.’’  
I swat his hands away. Pull my pants back up. Kiss his ridiculous grinning mouth and tell him to pop the steaks in the pan for me. 

It almost scares me how adult and grown up and domestic we can be. He lights a candle at the dinner table. Serves me my meal like he is at work. Placing the napkin on my lap and asking if Sir would like wine with the beef. In a posh voice. Making me laugh. 

I don’t. I am still a child. I like coke with steak. And a beer after. He has a glass of Dad’s red. Which we toast in. And then we wolf down the food like we are some kind of rabid feral animals. No manners. It’s bloody delicious. Wiping the last of the sauce of the plate with our fingers. Licking them clean. Licking each others fingers too. Stealing his last chip. Grinning like a loon when he catches me and makes me give it back. With his mouth. 

‘’Can I be soppy for a minute?’’ he asks. Looking all serious again. Wiping his mouth with a serviette. (we have gone all out, I actually bought serviettes too.)  
He has that H face on that makes me crumble to the point where I almost cry. Because he is so handsome. So beautiful. And then I remember that he loves me and that he is mine and I just turn into mush on the inside.

‘’I love you T. You make me incredibly happy. Everyday. All the time. Even when you shout at me and I am an idiot and we kind of think we hate each other, I still love you. Always have. Always will.’’

I’ve got this massive lump in my throat. Making me cough. Because I want to say it back but I can’t quite speak. Instead I get up and curl up on his lap. Hold him tight. He kind of lifts me up. Clumsily and awkwardly because I fucking weigh a ton and he can barely carry me, but he somehow does. Dumping me with a massive twunk and crash on our bed.

Then he tells me to get naked. Now. Super quick. Then he winks and goes back to the kitchen.

He comes back in a few minutes later. I have done what he told me too. I am stark naked. Semi on full show. Arms behind my head. Feet crossed. Casually smirking at him.

He is stark naked too. A little bow tied around his cock. Which just makes me dissolve into fits of laughter. He is truly ridiculous.

‘’You are not giving me sex for Valentines day. I mean Come on baby’’ I am crying. Seriously.

‘’No, You are getting my cock for Valentines. I mean it’s already yours but I thought I would make it official.’’ He is laughing too. Crawling onto the bed and plonking a bag on my lap. 

‘’What’s this?’’ I am genuinely surprised. Wiping tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.  
‘’Your present. Do you really think that I would get away with not buying you anything for Valentines day? I mean who do you think I am? ‘’  
‘’Someone who values his life and his dick. Obviously.’’ I kiss him. Lots of little snogs all over his ridiculously handsome face.  
‘’I have learned my lesson. You are getting a present. And sex. And my cock. Wherever you want it. ‘’  
‘’You are so good to me baby’’ I have almost forgotten the bag in my hand. I am too busy kissing him. Letting my tongue play with his. My hand stroking his chest. Curling up against him.  
‘’Come on. Open it!!’’ he sits up and lays down on top of my legs. Like he does. His head resting on my hip. Mouth on my cock. Giving it little kisses and stroking it. Whispering ‘’Happy valentines day Little T’’ to my dick that is misbehaving and jerking and twitching under his breath.

‘’Oh Fuck off H!!!’’ I am gasping with laughter. He has bought lube. Like all the lube in the world. In a bottle. With a pump. With another unworldly bow thing stuck to it.  
‘’What? Don’t you like it? Useful and economical don’t you think? With a handy pump action dispenser?? He is grinning so much that I can barely see his eyes. And I am play fighting him with the bag. Hitting him. 

‘’I bloody love it. Brilliant present.’’ I do. It’s ridiculous. But brilliant. 

‘’There is more.’’ H is shaking the bag in my face. Kissing Little T again. ‘’You like my brilliant present Little T, don’t you. You like lube. Lots of lube.’’

The next present is wrapped. Bows and sellotape and shit everywhere. Heavy. H is watching me. Intensively. Letting Little T slide into his mouth as I struggle with the wrapping. Sucking me deep. Up and down. Hands on my balls. One finger moving sternly in between my arse cheeks. Pushing softly. Making me gasp. Bloody hell H. 

It’s a fucking Dildo. A big fucking rubbery thing. Soft and warm against my hand. And I am struggling with what to say. Because he is deep-throating me and moaning and his finger is inside me. Very very softly moving. No lube. We need fucking lube. I need lube. Loads.

I make myself useful. Fiddle with the bloody pump action thingely-bob until it finally jerks loose and sprays H’s hair with a shot of slimy liquid. Never mind. I pump a few squirts into my hand. And reach for his arm. Yank it free and smother his fingers. His eyes meeting mine. His mouth moving up and down over my cock. Soft and smooth. Hard and confident. I am so fucking horny. Feeling a little kinky too sitting here with a Dildo on my lap. Whilst he is sucking my cock. 

He comes off my dick with a little smack. Winks at me.  
‘’Lube it up baby. Lets see what that thing can do eh?’’

I blush. I freaking blush. And I can tell he is laughing even though his mouth is back on me. Working his magic. 

I cover the thing with lube. Accidentally find the on switch at the base which makes the little bugger impossible to hold still. It drops on my lap and wiggles around tangling up in his hair. 

He catches it and flicks it off. Raises my knees up and yanks me down the bed so that I am lying down. Swats my hands away. My dick hard as rock. Feeling not very confident. A little scared. Fucking horny as hell.

He kisses me all over. Making sure my arse is nice and slick with his over lubed fingers. His mouth kissing the inside of my legs. My balls. My arse cheeks. My hairy bits. All the little bits down there. Holds me open and licks my opening. Fingers moving in and out. My hips jerking. Legs twitching with every touch. I am hyper aware of his fingers. Of his mouth. Of the warm slippery hardness pushing against my hole. Just very slowly pushing in. 

Its just like a cock. Just like his cock. But not. Nothing like it really. Filling me up. Hard. Pushing all the way in. Nudging my prostate as he wiggles it around.  
‘’You OK baby?’’ His voice sounds wrecked. I just nod. Not that he can see me. I don’t think.  
‘’You should see yourself, fucking sexy. Fucking turning me on. Oh god. So freaking hot.’’ Then he swallows my cock down again. Moves the dildo in and out in little movements.

I kind of let go. Well nobody can hear me anyway. It is freaking hot. Kinky. Horny. Not that it matters. Its just him and I. Playing. And he is making me feel so fucking good right now it’s crazy. So I just shout into thin air. Moan. Curse. Use ridiculous bad dirty words.

He is fucking me properly with the dildo now. Making me shout and beg. Harder. Faster. I need it. Fucking hell, Sucking me and licking me and fucking me at the same time. Oh hell, Its too much. Too much sensation. Too much skin. He is practically holding my leg down with his body weight because I am kicking and trashing around the bed. The dildo moving fast under his grip. His mouth panting over my cock. Fingers under my arse.

I forgot you could turn the thing on. Well that is what it is isn’t it. A vibrator. It vibrates. And I think I die there and then. He switches the bloody thing on and my body just explodes. I come. Blank out completely. Just arching my body off the bed and jamming my hands against the headboard. Stiff and shouting and roaring and arching. Come splurting everywhere. H just watching me. Stroking my stomach. Wide eyed and kind of looking like he is in awe.

We don’t really have to say anything. That was an epic orgasm. I so want to do that to him. God that felt awesome. Different. Fucking hot shit.  
He holds me as I come down. Crawls up and wraps me up in one of his gorgeous full body cuddles. Kissing my forehead. Kissing my hair.  
‘’Happy Valentine’s day my darling’’ he whispers in my hair. ‘’Did I do good?’’  
‘’Fucking Epic. You get all the awards this year. Best boyfriend. Best shag. Best cocksucker. Best Blow job. All of them. You win. Period’’

He laughs softly. Stokes my hair.  
‘’Hey, you didn’t read your card!!’’ He fumbles around and gets it out of the bag. Hands it to me and kisses my cheek.  
So I do. And then I kiss him. Hard. Because I love him. And he makes me so freaking happy I that I just don’t know what to do with myself. So I kiss him again. Then I go and wash the dildo in the sink. Dry it with the tea towel. Which is a disgusting thing to do but hey I do throw it straight in the laundry basket. 

Then I head back to our room. To my ridiculously handsome sexy awesome boyfriend.  
‘’H. Get on your tummy. Arse up. Let me show you what this baby can really do. ‘’ And he does. He turns over so fast that the giant lube bottle flies off the bed with a massive thud. God I have plans. I have ideas in my head. I am going to make him come so hard that his head spins. Fuck the horror movie. Best Valentines present ever. 

Later when he is fast asleep on my chest, drooling on my skin and snoring with his arms tucked tightly around me, I read his card again. Over and over. Then I remember that I actually bought him something too. I bought us something. We may only be young and its far too early to get all serious and stuff. But I went and bought us a pair of rings. Just thin silvery bands with an intricate pattern around the top. Little lines of black swirled with the silver. I just really liked them. I had them engraved too. Just a little H and T, that will sit hidden against our skin. Just something for us to wear to remind us who we belong to. Who we are. 

I reach over and unwrap the box I had hidden in the bedside cabinet. Get the rings out. Slip mine on my finger. And slide his onto his. He will find it in the morning. Realize that I got him a present too. That I didn’t forget. That I am not a spoilt brat who just expects people to buy me stuff. That I love him. That I love him so fucking much.

I read his card again. Then I turn out the light. 

Dear T.

Thank you for being you. For showing me how to be me. For loving me even though I don’t always deserve you or your love. Before I met you I was someone else. Now I am no longer just me. Because we are us now. You and me. Always.  
Your H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day full of love and laughter. xxxxxx
> 
> If you haven't read it go check out Loves in Norwegian which is my other H and T fic.   
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/9478742/chapters/21445937  
> or if you fancy an Evak AU then here is What If?  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/9378452/chapters/21231014


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